We are led to believe that our children may be damaged if they are not given the very best of everything available, writes Miriam Donohoe.
I am one of tens of thousands of parents in Ireland currently being driven mad trying to keep the kids amused for the remainder of the long summer holidays. Mid-August is the worst time. The little darlings have already run riot at various summer camps, have seen all the movies (twice) and, really, can't possibly be off-loaded on the grandparents or the country cousins again. We are running out of ideas . . . and fast.
This annual obsession with entertaining our children is a symptom of a new phenomenon. We have fallen victim to "paranoid parenting", a condition, according to a British sociologist, Prof Frank Furedi, which afflicts more and more stressed-out mothers and fathers today.
He says we have become so wrapped up in how to bring up our children, and keeping them constantly amused, that we are not allowing kids to simply get on with the business of growing up.
Prof Furedi's theory is that because we are bombarded daily on radio, TV and in newspaper feature pages with so much advice on how to be "super-parents", it is almost impossible for us to trust our own judgement and go with our instincts as to what's best for our sons and daughters. We are led to believe that our children may be damaged and disadvantaged if they are not given the very best of everything that is available.
There's a lot of sense in what Prof Furedi says. There is a huge focus nowadays on children, and analysing them and their needs is a popular pastime. Some of the advice we are given can cause panic. There is an increasing tendency to seek professional assistance for our children at the first sign of obesity, mood swings or bad behaviour.
This is all feeding into "parent paranoia", not helped by the fact that there is an expectation that we treat our children as equals and adults.
The paranoid parenting phenomenon is linked to the fact that today's families are far smaller than in previous generations, with children getting more attention than before. It is now the norm rather than the exception for both parents to work. Mothers and fathers compensate by overindulging their offspring.
Let's call a spade a spade - our children are spoiled.
Things were very different 20 years ago. For my own part, my father died suddenly when my mother was eight months pregnant with her 10th child. Less than two years later, my 10-year-old brother died unexpectedly. It was a traumatic time for our family. Thankfully, my mother was strong. Not only did she have to rear us all single-handed, but she developed a successful business as well. When people ask her today how she possibly coped, she answers: "Sure, I had no choice but to get on with things."
Getting on with things is something parents are not so good at today. My mother, and so many more like her, were too busy to worry about how our summers or our free time were filled. We swam in the river and played in the fields for hours and got on with the joy of simply being kids. And often we had to work out our problems ourselves.
If the same tragedy had befallen our family today, I suspect bereavement counsellors would have been asked to help us all through our grief. Far more attention would have been focused on us, the children in the family, and not just on my mother.
I am a parent of two children myself and I do, of course, recognise the valuable role that therapists and counsellors play. But maybe they are asked to intervene in dramas and traumas of children's lives too easily.
Last week Barnados in Ireland announced it was undertaking a major new survey as part of its two-year Parents Under Pressure campaign. The survey aims to highlight the realities of children's lives in Ireland.
Children are to be given the chance to express what they feel is putting their families under pressure. In an online poll at www.barnardos.ie children are to be asked to rank the most important things that "stress their family out", such as wanting a better place to live, more money or having more time with their families.
The survey, according to Barnardos's chief executive Owen Keenan, is a chance for children to tell their story. It will help gather information instead of making assumptions about Irish families. The survey will also ask parents for their views on family stress.
I have great respect for Barnardos and the great work it does, but is it not the case that through this survey children are being asked to assume the role of analysts?
And is it not this type of survey, and its conclusions, that feed into the paranoia that parents already feel?
Maybe if less time was spend analysing children's lives and keeping them constantly entertained, and if more time and effort was put into letting children be children, we would all be better off.
miriamdonohoe@eircom.net