Ever since Eve gave Adam that memorable apple, women have been tempting men with exciting things to eat. To celebrate a birthday, an engagement or a wedding anniversary, or to impress on a new friend that there is more to you than just a pretty face, you may want to light the candles and give an intimate little dinner just for two.
Now folks, get on your guessing hat. The above quotation comes from a) the transcript of a BBC Radio 4 documentary from the 1950s; b) A Mills and Boon novel from the 1960s; or c) a 1979 cookbook?
Doubtless all three categories are stuffed with many gems, but the answer is c), and the quotation is from the 1979 edition of Meals For Every Occasion, published by Marshall Cavendish of London, and picked up by me in a Lincoln charity shop for £1.50 two years ago. If one of the functions of cookbooks is to reflect the wider sociological context of their day, this one is something akin to an anthropological treasure. The day I bought it, I read it from cover to cover, occasionally picking myself up from the floor to where I tumbled periodically, so hard was I laughing. Forget mass-market bestsellers. This cookery book was the best page-turner I've ever read.
Fair sex
1979 woman (for this book is written assuming it will be read exclusively by my fair sex) could consult this book for a variety of menus, including one for "a grand dinner party for six." Not just any old six bods, mind you. Just occasionally, dinner needs to be something really great: when your husband's boss is invited for example. It is on such a night that you really want to push the boat out. The main course of this menu is one of those magnificent shellfish cocktails in a delicious creamy wine sauce, served surrounded by ornamental piped duchesse potato. It is the kind of dish that head waiters display to diners with huge ceremony before serving. Do the same - boast about your fruits de mer; show it off. Guests will remember it for years! With antics like that written into the recipes, I'm sure the spouse's bosses of the late 1970s never did forget their grand dinner parties.
Now, what do you do if you have a difficult guest to cater for? Simply turn to "A meal without meat for four." A vegetarian coming for dinner throws the average hostess into confusion. How can you even begin to think up a menu if there is no fish or meat to plan it round? The answer? Mushroom-stuffed tomatoes, cabbage flan, potato croquettes with ketchup, and apples in snow. Don't worry, soothes the book, this vegetarian menu definitely does not involve you in shopping from expensive specialist health food shops. Phew! Sorted!
For the hostess feeling really adventurous, she could turn to the armchair-eating section, `Menus from Overseas', which includes `A meal of Middle Eastern Delights for six' and `A Russian meal for six'. Let guests discover that Russian cuisine can be as exciting as a Salyut space mission, as romantic as the Bolshoi Ballet, and as memorable as Red Square on May Day - without even setting foot out of England.
Russian pashka
The menu? Mock caviar, borsch, chicken Kiev, and pashka. In Russia, explains the book, pashka is made in a special tall pashka mould. Where can I get that? Not to worry: similar results can be obtained by using a large well-washed terracotta flowerpot. As for the drinkies, It is no myth that the Russians like vodka! In fact, their government thinks they drink too much of it and since the 1950s, there has been an official campaign to promote wine drinking. It is unlikely that many of your guests will be bold enough to take the vodka neat in true Russian tradition, so don't be too censorious if the odd faint heart requests a small sherry instead!
But back to the best menu of all in the book, that Romantic Dinner for Two. Celery soup, tournedos steak Mirabeau, button mushrooms, petits pois, and melon surprise - to be followed by a few more surprises, perhaps?
You'll notice that the time-table gives you a whole uninterrupted hour to spend on your appearance. The occasion would lose its point if the hostess had to greet her guest with her hair still in rollers because she could not leave her cooking in the last vital hour. Perish the thought! The day before the dinner, don't forget to clean and tidy up the rooms he will see. It could spoil a beautiful image he has of you if, while he idles, he strikes dust upon the shelves. Dust! On your beautiful image!
Champagne
And what to drink? Time to push out that boat again and serve champers. The popping of that cork and the rush of bubbles give a wonderful air of excitement to the occasion. Give the bottle to your man to open - and don't forget that men are very fussy when it comes to glasses; make sure you've polished them well! Slainte!
Check that you have garlic.
The thought of including garlic in a menu for a romantic dinner may worry you; it need not. To fend off the vampires, perhaps? If both of you are eating it then it will not be offensive to either. But if the thought nags you, include a small bunch of parsley in your shopping list. Why? When later you go out to make the coffee, chew some parsley stalks in the kitchen to clear your breath.
So now you know, ladies. Dust the bedroom, polish your glasses, and lay in the parsley for your next romantic dinner, and you're guaranteed a magnificent meal which deserves to be savoured and relaxed over. That is, if you're still living in 1979.