AS THE demand for constitutional reform grows, I’ve been having a go at devising a new, updated Bunreacht na hÉireann. It’s still a work in progress, but in the interests of stimulating debate, here’s the first draft.
PreambleIn the name of the Most Holy Trinity, and also following consultations with Jehovah, Allah, Buddha, the main Hindu deities, and Richard Dawkins, we the people of Ireland do hereby adopt, enact, and give to ourselves this Constitution; bearing in mind our suspicions that "adopt, enact and give to ourselves" all mean the same thing; it's just that the lawyers said to put them in anyway.
Preamble Post-scriptThe Most Unholy Trinity, also known as the EU/ECB/IMF Troika, was also consulted in the drafting of this document. But as it happens, it was too busy drawing up the Budget, so a spokesman said: "Just pretend we're not here."
Article 1.The Irish nation hereby affirms its inalienable, indefeasible, and sovereign right to choose its own form of government. It also affirms its right to bitterly regret that choice for the following five years and to deny having made it, if anyone asks.
Article 2.It is the entitlement of every person born in Ireland, which includes its islands, seas and – whether the locals there like it or not – Cork, to be part of the Irish Nation. The nation also cherishes its special affinity with people of Irish ancestry living abroad, especially if they have money to invest or have descendants who can play football.
Article 3.It is the firm will of the Irish nation, in harmony, friendship, and with the consent of a majority of in both jurisdictions, to unite all the people who share the territory of the island. Until then, there shall be a state called Ireland and a country called Ireland and, to the confusion of foreigners, these shall not be same the thing.
Article 4Pending the event described in Article 3, the laws enacted by the Parliament hereunder enshrined shall not have effect in the area known as "the North", "the Wee North", "the North of Ireland", "the Six Counties", "the Occupied Territories", "the Other Part of the Island", or any new euphemism we in "the South" can think of to avoid saying Northern Ireland.
Article 5Even more confusingly for foreigners, the most northern part of the South shall remain farther north than anywhere in the North, until a majority in both jurisdictions agree otherwise.
Article 6The name of the State is Eire, or in the English language, Ireland. The Government may, however, enter into periodic commercial agreements with regard to naming rights. Thereafter, the State may be known as "Ireland, brought to you in association with Microsoft", or a like designation.
Article 7The national flag of Ireland shall be a tricolour of green, white, and orange; the green and orange representing the island's two traditions, and the white representing potential advertising space (see Article 6).
Article 8. 1. There shall be a President of Ireland, also called Uachtarán na hÉireann. Unless we have another election campaign like 2011, that is, in which case we shall consider reintroducing a monarchy and offering the crown to the descendants of King Zog of Albania.
2.The President shall have the powers designated in the original Bunreacht na hÉireann, save that the Council of State shall henceforth be asked to keep a close eye on his poetry output.
Article 9The Oireachtas shall consist of the President, the Dáil, and the Seanad, and shall have the same powers as defined in the original Bunreacht na hÉireann, except where these are limited by Article 10, below.
Article 10Until further notice (see Preamble post-script), the Houses of the Oireachtas shall have a room containing an elephant.
Article 11The national anthem is Amhrán na bhFiann. On sporting occasions, however, Ireland's Call may also be considered a national anthem. Or a national embarrassment, depending on musical taste.
Article 12 1.The national atmosphere of Ireland shall be known as "the Crack"; or in the cod-Irish language, "Craic".
2.The maximum legal level of Crack/Craic, measured on the numeric scale, shall be 90.
Article 13 1.Green diesel is the first official agricultural diesel of Ireland.
2.Red diesel is recognised as a second official agricultural diesel, although not in the area subject to the laws of the Parliament hereunder enshrined.
3.The white section of the tricolour does not imply, symbolically or otherwise, a right to launder diesel between the green and non-green jurisdictions.
Article 14All Irish citizens shall be obliged to retain the run of themselves, except with the prior approval of the Government.
Article 15No visiting head of state shall be allowed to leave Ireland without being photographed drinking a glass of Guinness in an approved public house, or at least posing with said glass in a manner suggesting imminent consumption of its contents.
Article 16If your name is Timothy or Pat, so long as you come from the area designated under Article 2, you are entitled to a welcome on the mat. If you name is Tarquin or Percival, and you likewise emanate from the aforesaid territory, a welcome will equally be afforded, although not necessarily in song.
Article 17Titles of Nobility, or otherwise, shall not be conferred by the State, save as specified in Article 18.
Article 18Titles of ignobility may occasionally be conferred on members of the Oireachtas, up to and including the award of a BHO ("Bollocks of the Highest Order").
Article 19All citizens shall he held equal before the law. If found dead in suspicious circumstances, however, citizens will be segregated according to whether they were known, or not known, to the gardaí.
Article 20Changes shall be made to this Constitution only by a referendum of the people. An amendment will be deemed to have been carried if a majority of the people votes "yes". If a majority votes "no", the people may be deemed to have acted rashly or without full information. In such circumstances, the people may be asked again, and again, until they cop themselves on.
(To be continued)