What really bugs you? Dick Roche on Questions & Answers? The state of the Red Cow roundabout? The sound of David Norris in high dudgeon? The packaging on rashers? The price of car insurance? Leo Varadkar's smile? Eoghan Harris? asks Michael Parsons.
Oh, come on. Surely you can do better than that. Think about the last time you tried to make a telephone call to a LARGE ORGANISATION. Ah yes, that kind of red-mist, steam-coming-out-your-ears rage of the Roy Keane variety.
Everyone has a breaking point and for many it is hearing the phrase: "Your call is important to us". Is this not the most dishonest and irritating phrase in the English language? Wouldn't it drive you doolally? To drink, up the walls, round the bend, into an early grave? When was the last time you dialled (for younger readers that means punched the keys with your thumb) a number and heard something like this? "Good morning! Ann speaking. How may I help you? Mr O'Driscoll in the accounts department, did you say? Certainly Sir. You called at a very good time, if I may say so. He's just finished a meeting and I'm putting you straight through".
Almost everyone has a telephone, and like houses, many people now seem to have two or even three. But hardly anyone ever answers. Why, even your mother is "not available right now, please leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to you later. If this call is urgent you can reach me on my mobile on 087 etc".
"Your call is important to us?" Oh really? Than why do they treat you like this? "Welcome to ABC Irish Bank. If you have a touchtone telephone please press the star button now. ABC Irish Bank is regulated by the Irish Financial Services Regulatory Authority. Please note that calls may be recorded for training or security purposes. Please listen carefully to the following options. If you are an existing customer of ABC Irish Bank, press 1. If you would like to open an account, press 2. . .
"Please select from the following menu options. To order a chequebook, press 1. To set up a standing order, press 2. For balance inquiries, press 3. For details on how ABC Irish Bank can make your savings grow, press 4. For all other inquiries, press 5. To listen to these options again, press 6. . .
"Please say the last four digits of your account number. You can find this on top of any statement. . .
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognise that. Please try again or press 9 to return to the main menu. Your account number ends with 4-6-7-8. If this is correct please press the hash button. Please select from the following options. If you would like to buy shares, press 1. For mortgage inquiries, press 2. For ABC Irish Bank life assurance products, press 3. For details about our exciting new car finance packages, press 4. For all other inquiries or if you wish to speak to one of customer service agents, press 5.
"Thank you for calling ABC Irish Bank. All of our customer service agents are currently busy. Your call is important to us and is being held in a queue. Please hold while we try to connect you."
There follows a continuous looped recording of a Taiwanese xylophone playing Greensleeves, which the bank's marketing department apparently believes you will find soothing. You are in for a long wait. After all, it's only 3am in New Delhi and all the customer service agents are sound asleep. By the time they wake up, have breakfast, attend a two-hour crash course at the Big Ben School of English, watch a tape of last night's EastEnders to assist them with "small talk", and, finally get to work, you'll have made a casserole for dinner, watered the plants, read the Lisbon Treaty, cleaned the oven, painted the spare room, solved 7 Down in Crosaire, listened to most of Joe Duffy and chewed the end of a biro causing a dribble of indelible blue ink to ruin your new shirt.
"All of our customer service agents are still busy. Did you know that you can now access your ABC Irish Bank account 24 hours a day using the Internet? You can register for internet banking by calling into any branch or by logging onto www.abcbank.ie. ABC Irish Bank 24/7 - the modern way to bank!"
And then suddenly, and as rudely shocking as a smash-and-grab, you are awoken from your reverie by a live human being's voice: "ABC Irish Bank. Karen speaking. How can I help you?" Your immediate reaction is to look at the telephone with a mixture of fear and wonder. But then, regaining your composure and suddenly remembering who you were calling and why, you say: "Oh hello, I'd just like to order some US dollars, please".
"You'll have to call our International Department for that. I could try to connect you but, to be honest, they're very busy and I'd say you'd be better off dialling them directly. Have you got a pen handy there and I'll give you the number? Hello? Hello? Are you still there?"
Is it any wonder that some people just deal in cash?