THE PRICE of the pint is an issue that occupies the hearts and minds of a lot of people. As the evenings get longer and the weather improves, pints become a more prominent part of the day's schedule. Heat and humidity play their part in this equation, as the glass container containing 558ml of the black stuff is ideal lubricant for the parched throat.
But what contributes to the price of the pint? Many, seeing disparity in prices between various parts of the country become enraged, without fully understanding the true nature of the subject.
Take, for example, a pint purchased in a pub in Temple Bar. The process of delivering kegs from St James's Gate Brewery half a mile along the Liffey - quays to this part of the city is a precarious and delicate matter. There must be no mistakes made on this mammoth journey. The method of transport must be exact. The grey fleckled dust camel, found in remote parts of the highlands of Libya, is the only creature that can carry out this task. They survive on a diet of saffi grass, which can be found only in their homeland regions. This must be harvested at its source and transported to Ireland by plane. The camels will respond only to the directions of a member of the nomadic Gaffegaffe tribe, who can be found in small population pockets in North Africa.
Transported by night
The camels are loaded with one keg each. They are allergic to the sun, so transport can take place only in the dead of night. The Gaffegaffe nomads direct their beasts of burden through the cobbled back streets. Rose petals must be strewn in their wake, to appease the gods of the Gaffegaffe.
The kegs are then brought into the various establishments. A complex religious ceremony must then take place. The high priests of the Gaffegaffe are called in to carry out the ceremony. A rare blend of incense is placed into the Sacred Bowls of Ull. This is then burned, and the exotic and aromatic scents are spread around the building ( the uninformed will be forgiven for mistaking this smell with that of a cigarette made with Indian hemp).
A complex ritualistic dance is then performed, during which the 700 Holy Rantings of the Gaffegaffe god Ull are recited. The first pint drawn from the keg is then smeared on the heads of the high priests. With this ritual finished, the keg is safe to drink.
A Temple Bar pub does not experience this sort of ritual during opening hours. Instead, customers often enjoy music of such melody and volume that it can bring a tear to the eye and blood from the eardrum. Like an Albanian fighting to get onto an Italian ship, Joe Punter must run the gauntlet of elbows and avoid the constant press of the merry mob. Her must dodge fountains of beer falling from the glasses of the blind drunk, and squeeze through to the counter. Emotions will invariably be frayed at this stage.
When you eventually get your pint, and find that it costs £2.50, avoid the temptation to kill everyone around you.
Think of the camels.
Calming the seas
Those who find themselves on Inis Mor, the largest of the Aran Islands, and desire a pint of plain, will be able to bask in their good fortune.
The kegs are loaded onto a train at Heuston station. American tourists, who are delighted to find themselves on the same vehicle as one of the symbols of the Emerald Isle, gladly subsidise the transportation costs. When the kegs are loaded on boats for delivery from Galway to Inis Mor, the cost of transport is minimal. Even the dogs on the street know that porter is a potent talisman, and guarantees calm seas and fair weather.
When you enter a pub on Inis Mor, stroll over to the counter. There will probably be a few musicians in a corner knocking out a few reels and gigs. Politely ask the barman for a pint, and shell out a princely sum of £1.95. Sit back, take a long draught of porter, and contemplate its navigational attributes.
Of course, when people think of Guinness breweries, St James's Gate springs to mind. Those living in England may pause to consider the old Park Royal brewery as the definitive location for the creation of the black stuff.
Third largest brewery
But where would your mind wander after this? What is happening in the world of Guinness beyond St James's Gate and Park Royal? An educated guess might lead to suggestions of New York or Boston as the next celebrated haven of this porter. But this would be wrong. The third largest Guinness brewery in the world is to be found in Lagos, Nigeria.
Nigerians cannot get enough of the black stuff. The first Guinness brewery was built there in 1962, and is the third largest in the world. But this was not enough. More Guinness was needed. Since 1962, Nigerians have built three more breweries for their drink of choice.
Nigerians have a peculiar attitude towards Guinness: they regard it as an aphrodisiac. If a group of feisty young Nigerian males are spotted guzzling Guinness, the onlookers will probably engage in winks, nods, elbows, and general references to "man the hunter".
This may seem somewhat strange to us. Many Irish imbibers would argue that drink is the only form of contraception that the Catholic Church can accept.
Nigerians consumed 80 million litres of Guinness last year. In pint terms, that's 143,369,200 pints, 1.6 pints of porter for every man, woman and child.