How imaginative of Pat "The Cope" Gallagher to nominate Edward Gallagher, kidnapper, jail-breaker, terrorist, to serve as a prison visitor; and how unimaginative of the Government to turn the suggestion down. Perhaps it feared the contents of his cakes, writes Kevin Myers
No matter. He is clearly a reformed man, and even a candidate for the Vatican. There are probably many other committees Eddie "The Pope" Gallagher could serve on. In an explosives factory, maybe; or perhaps the Army could appoint him as inspector of munitions.
He is a man of many skills. As Eddie "The Rope" Gallagher he entwined the Dutch industrialist Tiede Herrema for a few weeks in 1974, and caused Dutch bed-nights in Monasterevin to soar to unprecedented levels. Bring back Eddie, they say wistfully in that Kildare town, where children still learn Dutch and practise putting their fingers in the dyke, just in case Eddie and the good old days return. If nothing else beckons, surely a job in Bord Fáilte (Low Countries Division) would be the least he could expect.
Of course, that all came about because he sought the release of Rose "Bridget The Beit" Dugdale, who in a moment's mental abstraction abstracted a few Vermeers, Holbeins, Rubens, Michelangelos, Leonardos and Van Goghs, et cetera, from Russborough House. The subsequent imprisonment of this spirited young Englishwoman provoked a terrible depression within the soul of Eddie "The Mope" Gallagher.
Hence the unfortunate affair of Tiede "The Tied" Herrema, involving Marian "The Mott" Coyle, and - raging at himself for his sheer stupidity at being besieged in a council house bedroom in Monasterevin, rather than in Restaurant Patrick Guilbaud - Eddie "The Dope" Gallagher. "The Mott" got involved because she sought the premature release of Kevin Mallon from jail.
Now here was superfluity indeed. Kevin Mallon usually seeped out of jail within hours of arriving. In fact, he spent so much time in the 1970s being jailed and escaping that several jails were quite convinced he was in one of their cells when he was in none of them. Indeed, he was returned to one jail before it even knew he was missing, so that it had two Kevin Mallons on its books.
This bureaucratic nightmare was resolved when both Kevin Mallons rather considerately escaped, one through a tunnel and the other in a home-made glider. A famous Mallon departure from prison involved a right-on-schedule helicopter exit from Mountjoy Jail.
Whatever happened to all these Kevin "The Bolt" Mallons? Perhaps they've retired from jail-breaking and gone quietly bald. If Pat "The Cope" Gallagher wants someone to advise Aer Lingus on timetables, Kevin "The Moult" Mallon is probably the very man.
And what happened to the IRA's art expert, Rose "Bridget the Beit" Dugdale? Her spirit certainly lives on. There's hardly a criminal gang in Dublin which hasn't robbed Russborough House since she pioneered the way. Indeed, Russborough became the Leaving Cert in any respectable criminal's curriculum vitae. Not any more, though, since the collection there now consists of "A Stag at Bay" (print), Tretchikov's "Painted Lady" (photograph of a print) and three moulded plaster-of-paris ducks (original, purchased Forkhill market, 35p each).
However, recent acquisitions at Knock - a liquid-filled bowl showing the visitation of the Virgin Mary to Dana in a snowstorm, an embroidered cushion of the baby Jesus behind a barricade at the GPO in 1916, rifle in hand, and finally, a pillow-case of the three wise men at the manger, featuring the faces of Patrick Pearse, James Connolly and Sean McBride - are expected to shove the value of the Beit collection back up to the giddy heights of yesteryear. So presumably we can expect Rose to come creeping through the bushes one night soon.
Of course, finding employment for the terrorists of yesteryear is a problem to which Pat "The Cope" Gallagher has given much thought. He has done his best, even marrying one: his wife Ann was sentenced to 15 years in jail for her part in an IRA bomb plot in Manchester. But he's a good Catholic, and so he can't marry every single woman who has done time for Ireland, for that would even involve his sister-in-law Eileen (same plot). Not merely is there a law about such things, but it's possible Ann might have an opinion or two on the subject.
Of course, the services of "The Cope" will not always be required in finding placement. Many terrorists undertook correspondence courses in jail. No doubt Dessie O'Hare, for example, now has a diploma from the Royal Society of Manicurists, and will shortly be looking for customers.
In the North anyone who has done time is automatically put on the government payroll as a "community worker". No further duties are required. These people are entitled to identify themselves as spokesman or -woman for whatever community they care to name.
They don't even have to come from there. Provided they've got solid terrorist credentials, they can stand up in a television studio and declare, waving an indignant finger in the air, "Speaking as a community worker from the neighbourhood in question. . ."
However, if your name is Patrick Pearse John-Paul Pius Kevin Barry O'Sullivan, I suggest you don't try to pass yourself off as a spokesman for the Shankill Road. And Oliver Cromwell James Carson William Craig Mawhinnie, a word in your ear: you may certainly say you speak for the people of Crossmaglen next time you visit the Sea of Tranquillity, but just mumble it, OK? And please, please don't try it any closer to home. Please.