Good morning, and welcome to mPARC, your on-line, mobile phone-in service for parking at a meter in Dublin, designed to replace that horrid old, slow, coin-in-a slot technology. While you wait, you have a choice of music. If you wish to hear Whitney Houston singing My Love is Your Love in a loop as long as the Luas project, like you do when you've rung Eircom directory enquiries, press 1 now.
If you wish to hear Greensleeves until you chew the end off your phone, press 2. If you wish to hear The Bee Gees singing How Deep is Your Love, press 11811, and ask Directory Enquiries for Florida Funeral Homes. If you wish for silence, what a pity.
Welcome to the second stage of your parking operation. If you know how long you want to park, press 1 now. If not, press 2 now. If you need to send a text message to your husband to tell him not to forget the bread, we suggest you make sure he doesn't forget the wine either, like he did last night; now press 3.
Welcome to the third stage of your parking operation. If you want to stay less than an hour, press 1. If you want to stay more than an hour, press 2. If you want to stay less than five minutes, press 3. If you want your husband to keep going tonight for longer than option 3, as he clearly didn't last night, press 4, for our mVIAGRA hotline.
Text message
Welcome to stage four in this swift-parking operation designed for your ease and comfort. If at any stage you wish to cancel your plan to park, because you have just received a text message from your husband saying that he was sorry about last night, no need to talk to the parking meters about it, he's more than ready now, and so you wish to rush home for some mACTION, press 6 - in German.
If you wish to continue this high-speed, new technology method of easy-access parking, press 2. For all other options, press 3. If you are confused, and wish to hear the previous stages again, press 4. But if your name is Cecilia Ahern, you are now parked illegally, and the fine is €1,500,000. This has just been automatically deducted by direct debit from your current account. Oh, yes, and that's your car being clamped. mHAHAHA.
Welcome to stage five in this new, easy-to-use parking system, and some electronically generated Four Seasons. If you think the Four Seasons was written by Bach, Press 1. If you think it was not by Bach, press 2.
If you pressed 1, or if you're Cecilia Ahern, no matter what you pressed: go to jail, go directly to jail, and do not go left at the bottom of Dawson Street, unless you are in a PSV or a bus. Or right at the bottom of South Great Georges Street. Welcome to stage six, you who pressed 2. See all the wallies driving away? Apart from the blonde pulling her hair out beside the clampers, they all thought the Four Seasons was written by Bach. If you wish to give them a V-sign, press 1. If you wish to give them the finger, press 2. If you want to help the pretty blonde, press 3. And for you, this parking operation is now being cancelled. mBYE.
American accent
Welcome to stage seven. We hope you are enjoying this fast-track way of parking your car. If you wish these instructions to remain in an American accent, press 1 now. If you wish to hear them in an English accent press 2. If you wish to hear them in an Irish accent, press 3: I'm sorry, we do not have that facility at this present moment in time, and accordingly, this parking application has now been disallowed.
Welcome to stage eight. If at any stage you are having problems understanding our technical instructions, please press hash for our helpline, where you can hear Des O'Connor for an hour or two, before you are put onto one of our multilingual help-line executives, who will offer to help you in Urdu and Aztec - before putting you on hold for the duration of Lent.
Obliged to comment
Welcome to stage nine. And we are pleased to tell you that you are nearing the completion of this part of our swift-park rapid-action express-contract, low-stress traffic management system. To proceed with this transaction, you are now obliged to comment on the quality of the service you have received today. Please call us on 1800-12345, calls charged at €10 per minute, minimum delay 20 minutes. If you wish to hear Cliff Richard while you wait, press 1. If you wish to hear Engelbert Humperdink, press 2. If you wish to be reminded of RTÉ television at its most mDIRE, with a re-run of a recent Late, Late SHOW, press 3.
Welcome to stage ten. We regret to say that at this time, this section of the road now becomes a clearway, and no parking is allowed. You are now obliged to move your car. Before you go, may we say how much we enjoyed doing business with you. We hope that you in return have enjoyed not parking with mPARC today. Please do not hesitate to come here again.
Ah. Behind you. Yes, that's your car being towed away by the mGARDA mTRUCK. If you wish to pay the fine and the release fee by credit card, please press 1. If by Laser, please press 2. If by. . .
mKEVIN mMYERS