Please, please tell me that the Taoiseach did not the other day refer to the "international community" as a means of combating terrorists; and this so soon after the multi-million-dollar UN farce in Durban, where there was as much evidence of an international community as there was of extra-terrestrials.
Still, I suppose it's just about possible that this "international community", if it really worked on it, could agree on how to open a sardine tin with a ringpull opener. The delegate from Zimbabwe would declare that it should be opened with the can in the left hand, and the ringpull in the right - but only after white farmers had been expelled and their farms handed over to the native peoples of Zimbabwe.
The delegate from Rwanda said he was totally against using the left hand to hold the tin. This was a recipe for disaster. No, the left hand should be used on the ringpull, but only after the Hutu problem had been dealt with. Furthermore, Israel was a racist state, and he thought the conference should take note of that in any agreement it reached on the ringpull issue.
The delegate from Ghana agreed. Israel had been a racist state long before ringpulls had been invented. And long before even Israel came along, there had been slavery. There was no point in discussing the issue of ringpulls until there had been compensation for slavery, to be paid by the US, the UK, Belgium, Portugal, Spain, France and Poland.
Strange language
Poland? cried the Polish delegate. Why Poland? The Ghanaian delegate said he had been there once, the weather was terrible, and the people spoke a strange language without any vowels. Payments could be made to him personally in the lobby afterwards.
The delegate from Nigeria said his country had much experience of slavery, far more than Ghana, or what used to be known as the Gold Coast. There was no point at all in talking about how much Ghana should be getting without settling first the compensation due to Nigeria. He himself thought $18 billion in used $100 notes, though diamonds would also do. Delegates knew where he was staying. As for the sardines, he himself had even used a screwdriver when the ringpull had snapped off. However, the government of Nigeria was open-minded on the issue. On second thoughts, Swiss francs would be fine. He wasn't sure about these euro things though.
Zionist trick
The delegate from Syria then declared that ringpulls were a Zionist trick. It was a well-known fact that the worldwide monopoly on ringpulls was owned by Jews, who put all their profits into the Zionist war machine, to buy F-15s with which to enslave the Arab people. If anyone doubted it, he had copies of a booklet, "The Ringpulls of the Elders of Zion", which proved the Jewish conspiracy against the world. He himself was allergic to sardines, but his brother Ali liked them with marmalade. Moreover, Auschwitz was a Jewish myth.
The Iraqi delegate said the Syrian delegate was the spawn of a homosexual camel. Moreover, he, the Iraqi delegate, had copulated with the Syrian delegate's mother moments before, against the very wall of the conference chamber. She was, he believed, at this very moment, servicing the delegation from the Central African Republic, and it was Mongolia's turn after that, but if the delegate from Syria was prepared to wait, she would probably be available then. However the Syrian delegate should not dawdle on the job with his mother, because he, the speaker, understood she had an appointment with some rabbis, including a couple of strapping lesbians, later that evening. That completed his observations about ringpulls, and he now had to leave the conference: he had the Syrian delegate's two virgin daughters to attend to.
The Democratic Unionist delegate from Northern Ireland said the Protestant people there had suffered more than any other people in the history of the world. Jews didn't know how lucky they were. Nor the Caribs. Nor the Apaches. Nor the Abos.
The Australian delegate rose to say he objected to the term "Abos". He preferred "coons". He added that he himself had never opened a tin of sardines, owing to the fact that Madge - the little woman - disliked fish, and anyway sardines were hard to barby.
The Portuguese delegate said that was rubbish. Sardines were best cooked on a barbecue, covered in rock salt and olive oil.
The delegate from India wanted to agree with the delegate from Iraq. The Syrian delegate's mother was definitely a goer. Furthermore, was the Portuguese delegate talking about tinned sardines? The delegate from Portugal said they didn't eat tinned sardines in his country, thank God, but since you mention it, now was the time to resolve the matter of Goa.
What is a sardine?
Goa was Indian, insisted the delegate from India. Until that matter was agreed on, there was simply no point in discussing ringpulls.
The Pakistani delegate said the Goan issue had been settled by force, which was how the Indians resolved everything, especially Kashmir. Moreover, what was a sardine, please?
The delegates agreed to form a sub-committee to define what was a sardine. The international community would therefore reconvene somewhere sunny and hot with lots of big hotels and good restaurants and beaches and first-class air connections in five years' time, when they could then turn their minds to what constituted a ringpull - and, oh yes, what was the best way of getting rid of Israel.