An Irishman's Diary

It is one of the most cherished traditions of An Irishman's Diary that its incumbent unflinchingly confront society's problems…

It is one of the most cherished traditions of An Irishman's Diary that its incumbent unflinchingly confront society's problems at times of national crisis. We have thus been watching the unfolding conflict in the teaching profession with mounting concern, especially the dispute concerning ASTI, and finally, we have decided to act, in the only way we know how.

Later this month, our academy for Genteel Ladies Of Modest Means opens its doors for the first time. This non-union, strike-free establishment will be simple in organisation, as befits our resources, but not in ambition. Our feet may be on the ground, but our minds are fixed firmly on the stars, as our staff recruitment policies clearly indicate.

School bursar

Needless to say, the author of this column will be headmaster. Moreover, we have been fortunate that some of the finest citizens in the land have offered their services to assist us in the noble arts on instructing and forming young female minds. As school bursar, deputy head, and prefect of studies, I am pleased to announce the appointment of Mr Liam Lawlor, TD, whose fierce integrity and boundless moral energy have brought such benefits to the people of west Dublin. Mr Lawlor has been temporarily detained about other business recently, but he will be taking up his appointment with us later this year. Or possibly next. Or perhaps some few years hence.

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Other members of staff will include Mr Danny Morrison, who has kindly offered to be prefect of discipline. Mrs Catherine Nevin will be school matron, to be assisted by person or persons unknown, and this, we are inclined to think, will keep the sick-list to a minimum. Bishop Eamon Casey has most generously offered to be the school's spiritual adviser, and Mr John Adair its gatekeeper.

Needless to say, parents of potential pupils at this school will want reassurance of its moral tone, especially since our intake of pupils will be of the gap year and upwards only. This is an age when young ladies might easily be led astray by vice or experimentation of a sapphic variety, and we in the GLOMM Academy are determined to ensure that no such beastliness occurs.

Accordingly, all girls will shower together, without the benefit of shower curtains, to be supervised by the only person who may be entrusted with such duties, namely myself. We intend to place a high priority on personal hygiene, and so we can expect shower sessions to occur three times a day. Since the showers will all be personally supervised by the headmaster, and at close quarters, parents need have absolutely no concern about the moral welfare of their girls. Semper Gropamo, as the old family crest goes.

Sunday luncheon

Of course, our girls will receive the education appropriate for their future professions. In addition to lessons in needlecraft, crocheting and scone-making down the ages, they will be taught the finer arts of the bottling of gooseberry jam, fire-laying and the preparation of Sunday luncheon for 10. Numerous other skills vital for their careers as housewives and mothers will be available in voluntary classes, and to prepare them for the challenges which lie ahead, the girls will face such dilemmas as: Is your husband always right to expect pudding after dinner? Should shortening invariably be used in puff pastries? Is it correct to put a crease along the seam or down the middle when ironing pillow-cases? And of course, that old perennial: How I Must Always Say Yes To The Man in My Life.

This is the 21st century, and since most of our girls will be at or close to the voting age, we place a high importance on female suffrage in our academy. We will therefore have lessons in political science conducted by that Socrates of Dail Eireann, Jackie Healy-Rae. We will confront such thorny questions as: What does a TD's wife cook for his evening meal after a long day in the Dail? How should she clean his shoes? And if a Government Minister comes to dinner, where does she place him at the table?

Deportment

Nor do we neglect deportment in the GLOMM Academy for Young Ladies. We encourage our pupils to concentrate on their posture, and not to slouch, or stand on one leg, for both produce one-sidedness and all its evils, so deranging the internal organs vital for producing healthy male offspring. A young lady should be at once upright and proud, yet simultaneously deferential to her father, husband, brothers, uncles and male cousins. This requires both physical fitness and mental modesty.

Accordingly, we will place a strong emphasis on Exercise, to be personally supervised by the headmaster. A graduate cum laude of the Health & Efficiency School of Nude Gymnastics, he intends to put his training to good effect with his pupils, and he has been working hard perfecting the curriculum for the beam, the floor exercises, and last but not least, rope-climbing.

So here is an ideal solution to the many problems facing our education industry - a responsible man of mature years, ready and willing to take your daughters off your hands for the trifling sum of £6,000 a term (including laundry, but exclusive of extra tuition in Turkish wrestling, Danish massage, and special know-your-own body courses, all conducted under the personal guidance of the headmaster). A bargain, and reason again to be grateful to ASTI.