I have just finished reading which must go down as a classic of its genre. If I was reviewing it for the books pages, the dependable cliche, "it made me laugh, it made me cry", would be apt. It combines ribtickling humour with pathos, while keeping you in suspense as to what is around the next corner.
I am confident that other regular train users will been moved by Iarnrod Eireann's 20-page masterpiece: Passenger's Charter - A New Era in Customer Service.
It is a real page-turner for passengers sitting (or standing) in cold stations waiting for trains running late, or left behind by trains running early.
Its handy pocket size makes it ideal for thumbing through to find your favourite section as you sit on your suitcase outside the overflowing toilet in the draughty corridor of the overcrowded Dublin-Cork service on a Friday evening. If you are a rail traveller, this is the "must read" of 1999.
Corporate mission
In his foreword, Iarnrod Eireann's managing director, Mr Joe Meagher, explains that the charter has been produced to show, explicitly, his firm's commitment to fulfilling its corporate mission, which is: "to satisfy our customers - always!"
He goes on to outline a bewildering array of commitments. These include: 99 per cent of all scheduled InterCity trains running as planned; 90 per cent of services between Dublin, Cork, Limerick and Belfast arriving within 10 minutes of the published times (15 minutes for all other InterCity trains); 95 per cent of DART trains arriving with 10 minutes of the published time; and 90 per cent of all outer suburban trains arriving within 15 minutes of the published time.
The charter continues in that vein to talk about customer information, passengers with special needs and quality standards.
Unfortunately, the charter represents a victory of marketing spiel over reality. This is not the first time the monopoly rail firm's marketing gurus have been given free rein. Remember the television advertising campaign with the slow, relaxing jazz music which showed the frustrated car driver sitting in traffic as the train eased its way into a golden sunset? The punch line was: "It's time to take the train." And let's not forget the current campaign which features Dick Warner telling us about what's in store for us in the future and how much has been invested in the rail network to date. Dick is a good choice for such a campaign. His face evokes memories of his hazy, stress-free trips around the coastline or along the canals, puffing away on his pipe. Not a bother in the world on him, not an overflowing toilet or overcrowded, sweaty train carriage in sight.
Little change
Such campaigns, like the passenger charter, are aimed at people who don't take the train. Those who do know better. For the regular user, little has changed in these post-charter days. The charter was launched in September, around the same time as Iarnrod Eireann changed the timetable for the Arrow suburban rail service I use daily. Despite the charter's assurance of free, route-specific timetable cards, the only timetables available in Heuston station were the thick books with details of every train service. These also cost money; the free cards were not available for another month.
Despite the written commitment, there appears to be an attitude within Iarnrod Eireann which does not lend itself to treating the customer as king, or even running a half-reliable train service. The tongue-in-cheek humour of the charter's promises on punctuality were highlighted recently for me as I waited for the 9.40 p.m. Arrow service from Heuston. No sign of the train, as 30 or 40 of us hardy souls tried to keep warm in the chilly station. Then, at 9.50 p.m., the service disappeared from the digital departures board. I enquired at the information desk. What had happened to the 9.40. The polite woman on duty told me it was running late and it looked bad to leave it on the board, but she assured me it was on its way.
And right she was, as it dawdled up to the platform at 10.10 p.m. Half an hour late, but a train was a train, we declared as we bundled on. Twenty minutes later the train was still sitting there. Then came the announcement over the intercom that the 9.40 p.m. service had been cancelled due to the unavailability of the driver, and this was now the 10.45 p.m.
The 9.40 p.m. service which we thought we were aboard had effectively disappeared. Like Chris de Burgh's Spanish train, it is probably still trundling up and down between Kildare and Heuston with the devil and Christ on board playing poker for the souls of 10,000 forsaken commuters. But then, this strategy is one way of ensuring that 90 per cent of trains run on time - especially, when the train company promises to compensate passengers for a service as late as this one was.
Or how about this for customer service? I arrived at Heuston at 8.40 p.m. recently, 25 minutes early for the 9.05 service. As I walked into the station there was an announcement that the train was about to depart. I rushed to get on board.
"Don't ask"
So, I asked the conductor, was this the 7.40 p.m. running late, or the 9.05 p.m. service running early, since the service was not displayed on the departure board at all? "It's the 9.05. We are running half-an-hour early - don't ask," he said. I was great for me to get home half-an-hour earlier than otherwise, but I pitied those who turned up on time that evening to find they would have to wait another 35 minutes for the next train. But I am sure they consoled themselves with the commitment on page 3 of the charter that no train should leave a station earlier than advertised in the timetable.