There has been much speculation recently about the identity of the purchaser of the garden shed at the back of number 39A, Laburnum Gardens, Dublin 22. Although acknowledged in the estate agent's prospectus as a modest property, it was regarded as having great potential, even though it is not completely detached; it has a party wall with a piggery, described with reasonable accuracy in the prospectus as a feature which provides a delightful rural aspect.
What gave added lustre to the property was the ladder erected directly out of the roof by the previous owner, a Commander P. D. Rast, RN, who wished to have a view of the boys bathing in the nude at the Forty Foot. However, Commander Rast had no more luck with his ladder than he had with his career, (from which he was cashiered after an incident involving two midshipmen, a parrot and a bottle of rum in Casablanca).
In despair
For it turned out to be perfectly impossible to see the boys, the Forty Foot or even the Sandycove Martello Tower from the top of the ladder. All poor Commander P. D. Rast could see from his ladder was Dalkey. In despair, he turned to the Roman Catholic Church, with whom he has had a highly successful career running boys' homes in Africa.
It is this view from the ladder which has of course recently made the property so valuable. Recent additions include several ropes from the top of the ladder to sides of the shed, from where it is possible, by use of pulleys, safety harnesses and a stout walking stick propped against the neighbouring piggery wall, to get fleeting glimpses of part of the Vico Road. Some more intrepid souls, aided by winches and a pogo stick balanced precariously on top of the ladder, swear that it is even possibly to see several chimney pots on Sorrento Terrace.
This is the aspect which so enraptured the market and which caused potential buyers to come from all over the world. Prince Rainier, who was aided to the top of the eyrie by a large crane-borne hoist, swore that not merely could he see Sorrento Terrace chimney pots, but he was sure he could make out a pair of Bono's underpants flapping in the breeze, just past the third chimney pot on the left.
The estate agent checked with his telescope and said no, that was birdlime: but just beyond that, invisible to the naked eye, but just about discernible with a Zeiss reflector starscope, was the windowsill which Chris de Burgh could very possibly see if he sat on the roof which one day he might build on his house if he were ever to have a conservatory facing north.
That revelation caused a flurry of excitement in the marketplace. Michelle Pfieffer checked the property herself, and came down in a rare old condition of the property-tremors. "Am I kidding myself", she breathlessly asked the estate agent, "but is it possible to see the milkman setting out on his rounds from Dalkey Dairy, a milkround which must inevitably include Sorrento Terrace, if you hang a mirror from a kite attached to the top of the ladder of the garden shed at the bottom of 39A Laburnum Gardens, Dublin 22?"
Watching crowd
"What!", the estate agent cried, reeling, his hand to his head. He scrambled to the top of the ladder, attached a mirror to a kite and sent the ensemble aloft. The watching crowd waited with bated breath while the estate agent peered and peered and peered. The silence seemed to last for an eternity.
Finally, the estate agent came down the ladder. He turned to look at Miss Pfeiffer with the face of the man who found the first gold nugget in the Yukon. "You are right", he whispered to her, in tones of barely suppressed excitement - and more than that. He lowered his voice even further and murmured into her perfectly shaped little orb, "I believe I have just seen the back of Damon Hill's housekeeper's grandson's pram - a mere flicker, a glimpse, no more than that I assure you. Let me not mislead you. It was not the full pram in profile, and certainly not head-on, with the adorable little infant's head fully visible. I could not say that; that would be a lie. But when I say that I briefly caught sight of the back of the pram of the boy-child whose grandmother polishes Damon's Hill's silver, I am not exaggerating."
Madonna was the next to view the property. She was the first of the prospective viewers to have an orgasm while viewing; she paused to have it halfway up the ladder. It was brief but brisk and helped her ascend the ladder afterwards with even greater enthusiasm. At the top, she paused to have one more, and then viewed the horizon again.
Totally cool
She descended in a condition of uncontrolled excitement. She swore that not merely could she see a trashcan on the nearby beach which had to be, just had to be, originally from Sorrento Terrace, but she was sure, she was certain, that it contained condoms which had very probably been used by people who as a matter of daily routine would see the front doors, or even - too totally cool - the inhabitants of Sorrento Terrace itself.
Madonna put in a bid with the estate agent before helicoptering off to the beach and the trashcan in order to make herself pregnant by a choice selection of manhood; meanwhile pandemonium had broken out on the roof of the shed as people attempted to put in bids for this most saleable of properties.
George Michael soon dropped out of the bidding, perhaps because of the failure to see the Forty Foot. Lord Andrew Webber put in a sealed bid, which is believed to have included the royalties from Cats, Starlight Express and The Phantom of the Opera. But it was not enough.
None of the world-stars could match the bid of Seamus Murphy, ex-bricklayer and property developer, who confident of forthcoming planning permissions, bought the shed, built a huge block of flats on it, and renamed it Sorrento View - because, of course, from it you can clearly see all the new houses that are going to be built on the grounds of Sorrento House.