THE point everyone has been missing is that Michael Lowry is not the man you thought he was. In a major world exclusive, this column can reveal he is in fact Elvis Presley.
An astonishing claim, worthy of the National Enquirer, but consider the evidence. Everyone thought Elvis had disappeared off the scene but reports of sightings kept coming in. Likewise, Michael Lowry was thought to have vanished and some in "old" Fine Gael hoped this was true, but yesterday he was spotted in Leinster House.
The relationship between Lowry and Ben Duane has strong similarities to the links Elvis had with his famous manager, "Colonel" Parker. Like the colonel, Ben made Michael Lowry a success and remained a dominant influence in his professional career.
Just like Elvis's home, Graceland, Michael Lowry's house at Holycross has become a place for pilgrimage and rubbernecking. He told the Dail yesterday how members of the public came to gawk at the imposing edifice with its world-famous extension.
Like Elvis, Lowry has had his problems with the media - although the King never had to contend with Sam Smyth. Elvis left school early; Michael went out in the world with no Leaving Cert. Elvis made his first big impact with large concerts; Michael made his name organising Feile.
The mood in Leinster House yesterday before Lowry's speech was just like the atmosphere prior to an Elvis concert. "Is he here" was the question on everyone's lips. Yes, Elvis had entered the building. He was going to perform for 40 minutes, but what songs would he sing? It was exactly 3.52 p.m. when Elvis Lowry walked on, to the Dail stage. He was wearing, not his usual Las Vegas outfit and cape, all studded with jewellery, but a sober business suit. How thin he had become: all that time in the wilderness you know. Frances Fitzgerald had kind words; Michael Finucane brought a glass of water; Jimmy Deenihan shook his hand.
The first song was a Beatles tribute number. Remember I'm the Tarman, with its haunting refrain: "And I'm coming for nobody but you." Michael, sorry, Elvis, took us on a magical mystery tour of his business affairs and their tax implications. The Cabinet sat at the front of the stage, like those security men at Elvis concerts, grimly eyeing the Fianna Fail crowd in front of them for possible snipers.
His underlying theme was "Don't be Cruel." He took us through his early life as a refrigeration apprentice and how he came from nowhere to be a major star. He recalled that fateful day when Ben Dunne took him into his office and made the flamboyant proposition, worthy of "Colonel" Parker, that Lowry should be his one and only iceman if Ben could be his one and only customer.
That number was called Won't You Let Me Be Your Teddybear? The famous Graceland-style extension to the Holycross house was dealt with. Like the colonel, Ben looked after everything. Michael has applied for permission to retain the extension and surely this must be granted, since it is reportedly Tipperary's biggest tourist attraction since the Rock of Cashel.
Then there were those rumours. Michael chased them down like mice at the crossroads. No, he was not in Florida with Ben Dunne on that famous occasion ore at any other time. This column has confirmed this is true: Lowry wasn't with Ben Dunne, Elvis was, it was a case of mistaken identity.
Then there was the house in Blackrock, his mini-Graceland, which had also become so popular with intruders and day-trippers that Michael will almost certainly have to sell it.
I Did it My Way, was another of Michael's tunes. Yes, he did it his way but he did nothing wrong, that was his message. The concert ended, but there was no applause. TDs shuffled out, slightly embarrassed at this baring of a soul in front of them. A Fianna Fail spokesman popped up to say there would be no comment, now or later. Elvis Lowry retired to the bar for a pint of lager.
A few punters expressed their good wishes but it was nothing like the old days for the Fine Gael kingmaker. Are you lonesome tonight? You bet he is.