Kevin Gildeaoffers a guide to the bestsellers that will never see a bestseller list, the perfect gifts that will never see wrapping paper, the books that, frankly, haven't been written yet
WebBook!
By Various Authors
At last, the ideal present for the technophobe - the entire web in a book, or rather, in six million paperback volumes. Enjoy the convenience of the internet without the hassle of owning a computer. WebBook! will be updated everyday by a man who will call around to your house to deliver the 12 new volumes of daily added information. Thanks to WebBook!, crusty old-timers can now be part of the future.
The Sunday Independent Book of Dangerous Criminals
By Twink
Twink goes undercover and explores the lighter side of gangland in a series of interviews in which criminals reveal their favourite colours, favourite TV programmes, favourite restaurants, favourite holiday destinations and favourite barbie.
Mature Recollections: An Autobiography
By Bertie Ahern
Bertie goes over his entire life with a fine Bertie comb. Each single incident gets at least six to eight retellings, as Bertie's memory becomes substantially re-ordered with each preceding account. Makes À la recherche du temps perdu look like a manual for how to turn on your oven. The book ends with the most poignant end line of any autobiography ever written: "It wasn't me."
The New Granta Book Of Feet
Edited by Richard Ford
Fantastic stories and pictures of feet from around the world. An ideal stocking filler.
Bags, Hunchbacks And Love
By Helen McCarthy
Jocasta McGuire is the "Businesswoman of the Year", but it all goes wrong when her luck hits a snag: her best friend Lucy Mangold ("Barwoman of the Year") steals her face. From there on it's downhill all the way - like a roller-coaster ride with all the uppy bits missing. All her friends refuse to belief that she is herself - her mother tells her a devastating secret because she thinks she is a stranger, the woman in the lovely bag shop refuses to serve her, and the tall dark stranger moves out of her flat. Is there more to the hitchhiker with the rucksack than appears? Will Jocasta get her face back in time to watch Sex and the City? Find out in bestselling author Helen McCarthy's fabulous new bestselling book, the follow up to last year's fantastic bestseller, Love, Bags and Lunch.
The Years Have Wings
By Yang Dang Thang You Mang
An epic that covers several generations of one Chinese family as seen through the eyes of a 700-year-old girl. Against the historical wish wash of centuries, the story follows generations of rice engravers who save millions of lives by secreting instructions on how to run away quickly on a tiny grain of rice.
Big Book of Audiobooks
By Various Authors
At long last, all your favourite audiobooks have been translated into the written word. Finally a chance for your tongue to enjoy the classics only your ears have thus far tasted.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
By Yer Wan
Exciting rewriting of the classic in which Harry Potter does battle with the powerful dark forces of the Dáil. Robbie Coltrane plays Mary Harney in a terrifying new twist.
Eddie's Historical Blips
By Eddie O'Sullivan and Brian O'Driscoll
Eddie O'Sullivan brings some much needed perspective to history. He reviews many major historical events with an extraordinary eye for lack of consequence: he recasts the second World War, the extinction of the dinosaurs and he collapse of the Roman Empire (among others) as mere "blips". A must for any serious student of "getting away with it".
Don't Buy This Book (For a Start)
By Humfty
Finally, a book about the environment that puts its money where its mouth is.
1,000 Books You Should Read Before You Die
By A Commentator
A list of essential books that must be read before lights out and you take the big sleep. Unfortunately, the book 1,000 Books You Should Read Before You Die is not included in the list, which is not the best recommendation for this book.
500 Books You Should Read Before a Major Health Scare
By B Commentator
A companion piece to the above book to help you pace yourself so that you don't spend the last 2 years of your life reading continuously around the clock in an effort to reach your 1,000 book quota.
I'm Too Tall: The Autobiography of Niall Quinn
By Niall Quinn
The sad autobiography of Niall Quinn and how he felt too tall all his life. After he left football he moved into horses; he loved being around jockeys because they made him feel close to smallness. Then he took over Sunderland Football Club hoping that it would cut him down to size. It has.
Futurescope
By Dr Denil Damnington
An amazing look at what the world will look like in the year 2011. Experts from every field of expertise paint a vivid picture of a world vastly changed in only 4 years. Everybody in the world will live in houses made of disposable items and powered by the nightly arguments that will replace television, everybody will travel on bicycles and giant mechanical dinosaurs will replace buses. The exception will be Ireland where everybody will have 4 cars, every house will have it's own private petrol pump and Croagh Patrick will be levelled to make way for the M66.
Book of Names for Gangsters
By Paul Reynolds
If you are a gangster couple, you want to give your child the best start in life - beginning with a name that will stand them in good f**king stead. Popular names include the Wolf, the Abbot, the Crankshaft, the Bunion, the Lot, the Leggit, the Bastard and, most popular of all: The Other Fella Did It
My Head Is Huge
By Dr Juan Pincero
The moving story of a doctor with a tiny body who misdiagnoses his own condition. Currently being made into a Hollywood film: Pee Brain.
Ratsy
By Bertrude von Claphappy
A lovely memoir of one man's school days with the man they now call the Pope.
Before he became the Pope, or Cardinal Ratzinger, or Fr Slither, he was simply Ratsy - a hi-lively young man skipping over Ruhr ravines with von Claphappy and dancing gaily on the Swiss Alps amidst endless fields of Nakelmiss und Schwineflower.
The Already Coloured-in Colouring Book
By The Gov
The ideal present for parents who are too busy working and commuting to spend time with their children. Just open it and you're finished. Seconds of fun guaranteed!
How To Live a Healthier Life
By Mary Harney
A refreshing look at how to be healthier in today's competitive world. Exhaustive and useful advice for all.
There are two editions available: the deluxe, silk-bound edition is available for €250 and will be delivered to your own home within five days.
The normal paperback edition costs a very reasonable €9, however you may have to wait for up to a year for delivery of your copy once you have paid the price.
Jordan - Mama
By Jordan's baby
The most eagerly awaited celebrity biography of the year comes from Jordan's new baby. Jordan's daughter shares her fears and joys as she reveals what it's like to share a bed with the sexiest star in the universe; what it's like to share the biggest breasts in the world with the rest of the world; and what it's like to wonder, at the age of six months, if it will last? Jordan emerges as a misunderstood genius.
God Is Dead
By A Scientist
A scientist claims to have discovered the skeleton of God in the Bahamas - proving that God "did go on holidays". Believers argue that God wouldn't go on holiday because "we say so", that God had no bones because "we say so" and that reading is bad for the soul and "we should know because 'we say so' ".
God: Back in Five Minutes
By Another Scientist
A less pessimistic treatise on the absence of God.
I Am God
By This Other Scientist
A very worrying scientific look at the evidence for the existence of God.
Acronyms (Are Capitalists Reclaiming, Or Not, Your Money -
Silly!)
By David McWilliams
David McWilliams is back with snappy new taxonomies, zeitgeisty buzzwords, made-up categories and whackpot theories. McWilliams posits that in five years time, the country's economy will be down the toilet. He draws parallels between the Ireland of now and pre-history Cavan society where the main currency was mud and progress was measured by a lack of damage. He identifies an exciting new resource: the dead diaspora and previous generations of dead Irish in Ireland. He says the Government must invest in voodoo and mad science in an effort to bring back millions of Irish from the dead.
With their strange after-life energy, Ireland shall be revitalised as a freaky halfdead theme park! Once again McWilliams has hit the whackpot!
How To Swindle and Rob People
By A Man with his Back to Camera
Special offer: Buy two, get one.
How To Budget for Your Life
By Bertie Ahern
Practical tips on how to save money on everything from beans to baggy suit jackets. Also how to tighten your belt by receiving large amounts of money from people with larger amounts of money. An excellent guide to your finances as long as you know people with large amounts of money who are willing to give it to you.
The Comedy Book of Religions
Edited by Prof Gandanco
A light-hearted look at the religions of the world and how silly they are. This publication is made of highly flammable material, making it easy to burn.
Build Your Own House Using my New Mind Power
By Derren Brown
Derren Brown provides easy steps on how to build an entire house for you to live in using only your mind. The house is powered by positive thoughts. Warning: negative thoughts may result in your house being repossessed by reality.