SHOULD an Australian tell you to FNQ, there would be no need to take offence. But flight would be an appropriate response: a 24 hour, flight, approximately, to Far North Queensland, and a tropical paradise.
The Australian continent boasts eight of the UN designated World Heritage Areas, and two of these meet in the north of the eastern state of Queensland. They are the Great Barrier Reef and the tropical rainforest, both amazingly like the postcards and nature documentaries of life under antipodean tropical skies.
The coastal city of Cairns is the usual jumping off point for the region (almost literally: bungeejumping is big all around Australia, and, there is a vast, terrifying set up just outside the town for enthusiastic death leapers).
Founded 150 years ago and named after a colonial official, Sir William Cairns, this is a pleasant low rise place with waving palm trees all around that is merging somewhat uneasily into the 21st century of the gee whiz casino and convention centre now thrusting up into the fierce blue skies.
Don't believe people who tell you Cairns is a dump. Possibly they are mad surfers who resent the fact that the beach is nothing special, and turns to unprepossessing mudflats at low tide. But the town itself has its own charm: lunchtime concerts in a mini music bowl in the middle of the shopping area, and the amazing variety at the modern air conditioned food mall, give creature comforts for the day tripper.
Arriving in Cairns from the dark early morning fog of the capital, Canberra, 1,500 miles away, the 30C temperature, waving palms and clear blue skies - during the alleged "wet" from October to April were nice, to say the least. Our plane was chock full of Chinese, either Australian born or from nearby in Asia, coming to the tourist playground to celebrate their New Year. The introduction to real Cairns hospitality was provided by the taxi driver, a buxom lady in her late 40s, who tossed our transworld luggage, into the boot of her vehicle as it was so many boiled sweets.
"Welcome to Caaaaaairns. I come from Melbourne but I've been here 23 years," she informed us on the 25 minute drive north to Trinity Beach, "so I reckon, that makes me a local." Watching those capable arms at the wheel, I for one wouldn't have argued.
GREAT as the climate is, nobody would be terribly interested in Cairns were it not the base for the Barrier Reel, the rainforests and trips in lagoons to see crocodiles and other less toothy wildlife. But these are magnets, and the town has gone from a population of 32,000 to nearly 125,000 in less than 10 years.
Being a tourist here, unless you are on the most stringent budget, is a dream. Everyone I spoke to said the same thing: it is so easy. As long as you have the strength of limb and clarity of purpose to totter to the reception desk of your accommodation to ask for a booking, the rest just happens. A bus rolls up at the front door at a prearranged time, all aboard, and you are whisked off to the tour of your choice.
From Trinity Beach, where we had a fabulous two bedroom apartment for about 75 Australian dollars (IR£35) a night, we set off on our Day on the Reef. Our bus took us to a jetty in Cairns where we boarded Ocean Spirit 2 ford Upolu Cay (a cay is a visible part of a reel, and looks like a small beach in the middle of open sea). The vessel, a large heavy duty catjamaran, was comfortable and pleasant - and it wasn't the crew's fault that our day out had, "unusually windy" weather. The sky was azure, apart from one brief shower (it was the wet season, after all), but the pitching and rolling had a few passengers reaching for the discreet brown paper bags provided.
The cay looked rather small for the tourists it was supposed to support when we arrived. The captain reassured us that the tide was going out, and sure enough more and more white gold sand appeared during the next two hours. Snorkelling is easy, they said, but as I still have trouble with shoelaces and seat belts I didn't get the maximum pleasure from this essential Reef activity. However, normal people did.
The obligatory glass bottom boat trip was no disappointment, though. It is astonishing to see in the flesh/glass sights which have become almost a cliche after the media friendly voyages of Jacques Cousteau and his ilk. Large turtles, brilliant blue starfish, schools of angelfish of all hues - and the coral, wondrous shapes and flowerings, structures from another universe. I could have spent all day happily on this part of the tour.
The return journey followed lunch, which was excellent - fresh seafood and fruit, salad, bread, as much as you could eat. The cost of the whole thing was 199 Australian dollars for a two adults two kids family. With the exchange rate a little over two for one, at just under £100 it was a bargain.
ANOTHER must in FNQ is the new Skyrail cable car which skims over the top of the rainforest on its way up to Kuranda, a historic village in the hills from where a celebrated railway was carved out of sheer rock 100 years ago. The new Skyrail link is impressive - shiny green capsules have you skimming just above the tops of the tangle of trees and vines. Stop off points along the way allow you to wander around tasteful board walks and inspect the flora and fauna - mostly spiders of impressive size.
The return journey should be by train through the Barron River Gorge. The route is both beautiful and of historic interest, as it transported troops who were being trained in the Queensland midlands during the second World War, when the Australian government had decided to sacrifice Queensland north of Brisbane, the state capital near, the New South Wales border, if push came to shove with the Japanese.
The trouble with getting to Cairns, as with all Australia, is that it is so far. Apart from the cost, I have been asked mostly about how to tolerate the 20-30 hour flight. The best answer is to suspend disbelief, enjoy the fact that the phone can't ring (unless you are mad enough to get an air working mobile) and that all your meals are delivered on a tidy tray. Sit back and enjoy the movies (one of ours on the return Alitalia flight was Apollo 13, an unfortunate choice, I couldn't help thinking). Drink plenty of water. If you are travelling with kids (I had a five and seven year old, which, believe me, is a big improvement on the one and three year olds of my last trip), let them bring a little backsack of compact toys and books that can't fragment into a million components and end up in your neighbour's breakfast.
Cost wise, the golden rule is shop around. The cheapest deals you see advertised in the Sunday papers are likely to have a maximum stay of two to three weeks attached to them - not enough for a once in a lifetime trip. I took advantage of one of the cheaper deals offered by European carriers such as Alitalia and Lufthansa - you fly from London to their European hub, then join a separate flight to Australia. I paid £782 for a return ex London. This arrangement can save you a couple of hundred but it does make the trip that bit longer. If money is no object, go straight to Qantas, the Australian national carrier, or British Airways. And have a boozer time!
How to get there
The Qantas inclusive return fare to Sydney from Dublin is £1,423 until April. British Airways is asking £1,493 until March 31st. Both carriers then dip to £1,271 for the low season. This price includes the connecting flight to London, on Aer Lingus.
Internal flights were with Ansett - very impressive service. The "G'Day" pass boils all flights down to £80 return. In Australia the Canberra Cairns flight could cost around three times as much.
Ocean Spirit Cruises is well known in Cairns, although several other operators also do Reef excursions.
Consult a branch of the Queensland Government Tourist Bureau once you get to Australia - very helpful and they know their pineapples. The FNQ Promotion Bureau in Cairns itself is tel: 00-61-70-51.3588, fax 51.0127.