How to talk to children about the same-sex marriage referendum

With the same-sex marriage referendum dominating the news, many parents are wondering how they should talk to their children about the issues raised.

Indeed, witnessing the many posters and discussion in the media many children are directly asking questions such as: what is surrogacy? Why do some children have no mothers or fathers? Can a girl marry a girl/boy marry a boy?

As with the many precocious questions children ask about life, death, sex and love, many parents struggle with how to respond. They can fear giving their children too much information for their age, be self-conscious about whether they can share values about ‘right and wrong’ or worry about giving their children the wrong message. Below are some guidelines for navigating these issues.

Welcome questions It is a good sign that your children ask you these questions. You want them to feel free to ask whatever questions come into their heads, especially on important issues such as sexuality and gender identity. See it as an opportunity to teach them important things and to establish ongoing open communication.

Check what your child knows Before answering any question, ask your children what they might know already. For example, in an open curious tone, ask them: where did you hear about that? What do you think about it? This helps you to gauge what information you need to share with them.

Take your time to answer It is a good idea to anticipate your children's questions so you can prepare your answers in a child-centred way. If you find yourself 'caught on the spot' by a question you are unsure how to answer, it is okay to postpone talking to give you time to think how to reply. Make sure to return to the topic later though.

Give information appropriate to your child's age Answers are, of course, very age-dependent. Young children might only need general information about conception and surrogacy whereas older children will want more details. However, most children are ready at a younger age than their parents think to hear information on sex and sexuality. Indeed there are advantages to discussing these issues with pre-teen children when they are more matter of fact and less self-conscious.

Try to answer honestly and give accurate information For example, if your child asks you what the referendum is about you can say: "At the moment only men and women can marry, and in Ireland we are all trying to decide whether men can marry men and women marry women." After giving some information it is a good idea to pause and listen to how your child responds.

Share your values The important issues at the centre of this referendum make no sense without values, so you should share what you think and feel (whatever side you fall upon, if either). Think through what core message you want to give your children. Remember they might be dealing with questions about their own sexual identity in the future, so give them a compassionate and accepting message. Dr John Sharry is a psychotherapist and co-founder of Parents Plus. solutiontalk.ie