David Trimble thought the Ulster Unionist Party was like a football team. When it was winning, life was great. When it didn't get results, there was a crisis. And now and again there was "unrest in the dressing room".
Star players were UUP ministers, Sir Reg Empey, Michael McGimpsey and Sam Foster. Party chairman, James Cooper, was a tough defender. Mr Trimble was the striker, "but it's up to the team to move the ball in my direction to enable me to score".
Jeffrey Donaldson was the winger. "Some say he is a natural on the right-wing. He is fleet-footed - works well inside both halves," joked the UUP leader. Jeffrey smiled tightly but later continued the metaphor himself. People had "voted with their feet and stayed away from the stadium", he said, referring to the empty seats.
Turn-out at the conference was well down on previous years. About 350 delegates attended the debates. Few were aged under 50. Mr Trimble wasn't heckled during his speech but there wasn't much enthusiasm either. The standing ovation was perfunctory.
The leadership repeatedly told delegates Sinn FΘin had accepted partition and the UUP had won. But the mood was not celebratory. Ross Hussey, who served 25 years in the RUC, said a once proud force had been "castrated".
Cars were damaged by "local hoodlums" outside Strabane Masonic Hall recently. The new police service took 90 minutes to arrive - "we might as well have rung Gerry Adams".
Mr Hussey wrote to the Taoiseach after "what was left of Kevin Barry" was reburied. It wasn't right to "commemorate scum terrorists who shot people from behind a wall" yet not erect a memorial to the Royal Irish Constabulary.
A delegate complained that if President Bush treated terrorists as Mr Blair did, there would be an amnesty for the September 11th bombers, the release of all al-Qaeda prisoners, the disbandment of the NYPD, and Osama bin Laden appointed Education Minister in Afghanistan's new power-sharing government.
Another speaker said the comparison was silly. Did delegates want the Falls and north Belfast carpet-bombed? "Some do," admitted one activist. Assembly member Billy Armstrong called for bin Laden, the Provisional IRA, the "Real IRA", and the "Community IRA" to be rooted out.
The debate on women descended into farce. One speaker said female members came in "different colours" and "all sizes . . . small, medium, large and extra large . . . big, busty and beautiful".
Another delegate said she had joined the Territorial Army. "The only hand-to-hand combat I had to deal with was at the back of the bicycle shed," she said. One delegate privately wondered why the UUP conference still had no crΦche. A party official admitted most members were well past child-bearing age.
