OPERATION Freeflow came to Leinster House yesterday. But instead of cars cruising the streets we had rumours flying around the corridors. Speculation piled upon innuendo and by the end even Baron Munchhausen could not have topped some of the tall tales.
In the interests of openness, transparency and accountability, this column can categorically nail the lie that Michael Lowry and Ben Dunne engineered the collapse of the Soviet Union so that boxer shorts could be sold there at £5.99 a pair; that John Bruton fixed the All-Ireland football final for Meath; that Willie O'Dea has a secret sideline as an elocution consultant to the House of Commons and that Alan Dukes is going to replace the Luas trams with hovercraft.
If the debate had been held on Saturday or even Monday we would have had the unedifying spectacle of Fianna Fail dancing on the political coffin of Michael Lowry.
But reports and rumours that a well-known Fianna Fail grandee was mentioned in the now famous Price Waterhouse report stilled the bloodlust of the Soldiers of Destiny.
Michael Lowry was on hand if anyone chose to burn him at the stake. He was as pale and wan as any medieval martyr about to be consigned to the flames. For the first time in two years he took a seat, not in the front row with the other ministers, but two rows from the back beside his fellow-martyr Phil Hogan.
Several Fine Gael colleagues took the opportunity to shake the former minister's hand. There were handshakes too Alan Dukes, who sat in his usual place in the back row but not for much longer.
The Taoiseach was swathed in TV make-up, making him look slightly sea-sick. The mood on both sides of the House was low-key. Baying for blood? Forget it.
The Ceann Comhairle got in fast to pre-empt the possibility that any alleged wrongdoer from outside might be named under parliamentary privilege. But Dame Rumour had already slapped down the prospect over several coffees in the canteen and the bar and in whispered conversations on the plinth.
Rarely can the Taoiseach have spoken for so long without interruption from the Opposition benches. Then it was Bertie's turn: Lowry listened stoically as the Fianna Fail list of charges against him was read out.
There were numerous digs at the ex-minister over his connection with Ben Dunne. The full Price Waterhouse report should be made public and Bertie hoped there would be "unanamity" about that.
The Fianna Fail leader put clear blue water between himself and any "former prominent member of my party" who might be guilty of a transgression.
The relationship between John Bruton and Mary Harney comes more and more to resemble a bad marriage. He had to interrupt her twice to say that he didn't say what she said he said because what he really said was quite different and she shouldn't be saying he said it. It's just as well in the interests of peace and reconciliation on this island of ours that these two aren't in government together.
It took Dick Spring to bring Fianna Fail back to life. Although he did not read out a reference in his script to "the chancers in Fianna Fail" the speech was circulated to the opposition and when they spotted that line they reared up in anger.
Rejecting the notion of politicians lining their pockets, Charlie McCreevy painted a heartrending picture of impoverished TDs that would have done justice to Oliver Twist. Listen to him: "This Fianna Fail front bench is literally the poorest in the history of the party."
Sorry, dear reader, my eyes are blinded with tears and I must put my pen aside: don't call Dunnes Stores, call the St Vincent de Paul.