Berlin's Tranenpalast, or Palace of Tears, must be one of the most evocative venues in the world. Before the Wall came down, this was the passport control building at Friedrichstrasse railway station, where friends, lovers and relatives wept as they parted, sometimes forever.
The old signs are still there, directing those with Western passports through one steel door, diplomats through another and East Germans through a third. And the same chilly atmosphere prevails no matter what the season outside.
Usually used nowadays for discos and concerts, the Tranenpalast is currently presenting New York Story, described as "an art musical by Yoko Ono".
I knew the moment I swung open the diplomats' door and walked into the oddly-shaped auditorium that I had made a serious mistake by not staying at home that night.
My fellow theatre-goers were a fun-loving mixture of grey-haired Beatles fans, shell-shocked former East German dissidents and solitary depressives.
Arranged at little tables or perched like exhausted vultures on steeply raked seats, most remained silent and looked sorrowful before the curtain went up.
Suddenly, a succession of models marched from the back of the hall onto the stage, spitting out the names of fashion designers.
When a man in black said "Versace", another man kissed him and the lights went out. Goodness gracious, we all thought.
Loosely structured around a gangster story, "New York Story" has been rearranged and updated by Gerald Uhlig, a German actor and visual artist who met Ms Ono in New York in 1993.
It tells of Coolio Moricone, a misanthropic mafia boss who loves a woman called Jill. She likes him too, but she prefers Bill. So Coolio tries to kill Bill, a struggle ensues and they all end up happily together.
Unfortunately, they sing their way through all this action, making their way through limp imitations of every form of popular music from Rogers and Hammerstein to rap with lyrics such as:
"It would be nice to be a heroine
Cool and slinky
With an appropriate smile Honey, I take sugar too Bodies renting and raving
Could you pass that cream?" Berlin's extremely generous arts ministry declined to fund "New York Story", much to the annoyance of Mr Uhlig, whose father invented the seamless silk stocking before the second World War.
"I wish I was the son of an influential mafioso. Then I'd call my Daddy and say listen, godfather, I want to direct New York Story.
"And Daddy would make a phone call and, two hours later, I'd have the entire German arms budget for my project," he said.
Instead, he had to make do with a leading lady who says her singing comes from her uterus, a claim that may explain a lot.
As for Yoko Ono, anyone who believes that her greatest crime against music was breaking up the Beatles ought to come to Berlin to view the whole charge sheet.