What's the reality of life for a single parent in Ireland? Four lone parents talk to Kitty Holland about their very different lives
'I really miss the work but it's not an option'
Dropping one of his five children to school recently, Alan Jones (47) was approached by another child's mother. "Ah, you're the man who's looking after five kids on your own," she said. "Well, well done to you. I wish my husband would take some of your example." He recounts this with a grin. "You do get some saying a man couldn't manage children on their own, and there is some stigma. But I don't have time to worry about people like that."
Living in north county Dublin, Alan does not want to be identifiable, to protect his children, aged between 11 and 15 years. His marriage broke down in 1995, and he won full custody of the children in 1997. An engineer, he worked full-time for a number of years and then went part-time. When his own mother became ill two years ago, he gave up work altogether.
"Even though I loved the job, I had to prioritise. It has meant a drastic drop in income. Where I was earning about €1000 a week, now, between lone parent's allowance of €240 a week and child benefit of €890 a month, our income is about €1,850 a month.
"We used to go away on trips and do things like going to the zoo and the cinema. The children used to get pocket-money. But these are all things I have to tell them we can't have anymore. It is a tight budget. And it annoys me that they have to miss out. But to be able to give them good parenting I have to sacrifice giving as much materially."
He feels "quite isolated", having lost touch with colleagues, and he rarely gets out to see other friends. His working day now begins at 6.15 a.m. and he does not get time to himself until about 10 p.m.
"I hope to go back to work when the kids are older. I really miss work but it's not an option for me at the moment."
'It was hard work but that's life'
Geraldine Reidy (50) considers herself lucky that she found herself parenting alone in Canada for several years, rather than in Ireland. Her nine-year marriage broke down in 1983 and she and her ex-husband are divorced. Though she initially came back to Ireland with her six-year-old daughter and six-month-old son, the prevailing attitude to single mothers was that their state was "very shameful".
"I was staying with my parents but it was tough. I couldn't get work, partly because I was over-qualified and partly because, having a very young child, I was 'unemployable'. The thinking was that I'd be taking time off all the time."
So she returned to Kingston, Ontario and enrolled in university. "There was wonderful childcare on-campus. And single parents got priority - and this was 20 years ago! I was able to arrange my classes around the kids' school and childcare." And where she felt isolated and stigmatised in Ireland, she says there was a "totally different outlook in Canadian society".
"I had wonderful friends calling and supporting me. And there was a real community at the college, people in the same situation. Of course, it was hard work, but that's life and you adapt."
She returned to Ireland eight years ago with just her son, as her older daughter had started university. Attitudes had improved and, besides, she was less inclined to care what people thought.
Now coordinator of St Mary's lone-parent group in Limerick, she says there remain "huge problems" for lone parents in Ireland. She had hoped the prevailing move was towards enabling single parents to progress away from benefits. The biggest obstacle to this, that she sees every day, is the lack of childcare.
'I don't want to be living on benefits'
Ciara O'Hara (17) wouldn't change having Seán (nine months) for the world. "But no way would I advise anyone my age to have a baby. I wouldn't say my life is ruined or anything, but everything is going to have to be on hold a bit."
Living with her parents in Donaghmede in Dublin, she was "shocked" when she found out she was pregnant, aged 16. "I could have thought about abortion or adoption but I wouldn't do something like that." She found studying for her Leaving Certificate while pregnant difficult, but she completed it and got three honours and three passes. "Before I was pregnant my plan was to go to college and do childcare. But now I'm doing a Youthreach course in the mornings and should be able go on to college after. My mother looks after him in the mornings.
She gets €168 a week lone-parent's allowance, €75.75 a week from Youthreach and €131 per month in Child Benefit - an average weekly income of €276.50. "I give my mam €50 a week for minding Seán, and €50 a week for the house. I'm very lucky to have her. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to go to college.
"I don't want to be living on benefits. I want to get an education and get trained and that way I'll be able to get a job, pay for childcare and get a house of my own. Babies are expensive! Nappies, wipes, bath things, clothes, the doctor if he's sick, medicine, a few toys and picture books."
Her relationship with Seán's father ended last year, she explains. She gets no payments from him.
"I don't go out much, though if it's a special occasion my mam will mind him."
She says she got "no sex education at all" in school. "They told us about periods, but I wasn't told about sex, or condoms. Fair enough, I knew about them, but I think you'd take it more seriously if you got information like that in school."
'I get very tired and a bit lonely'
Georgia Uhunamure (37), from Nigeria, would like to study nursing. As a mother of three young children, she says even if she were allowed to, she would not be able. An asylum-seeker, she is not allowed to work or study. And, as a single mother in a foreign county, she does not have even the basic family supports most of her Irish counterparts would. Her children are Emmanuel (5), Lorenta (3) and Blessing (1). "I came here in 2002 with my baby boy. It was very difficult because I had to leave his father. I had problems, very, very bad problems and we had to go from Nigeria." About a year after arriving, she says, she formed a relationship with another Nigerian man with whom she had two more children. Stress and "trauma", however, led to a break-up, though he is in contact with his two children.
"It is difficult on my own - the bathing and the feeding and the dressing and shopping. I get very tired and a bit lonely. There is no break.
"My first child goes to school and he likes it a lot," she says, sitting in her flat in Dublin's inner city. "I have my two girls for the day." She gets, she says, "about €250 a week" in a lone-parent payment as well as Child Benefit of €428 a month. Out of this she clothes and feeds her family, as well as paying bills. She also has to top up the rent supplement payment she gets, by €18 a week.
"I am hoping to get my older daughter into a playschool in the afternoon, for €30 a week, but there is a long wait. To be honest I don't want to work at the moment because I don't have good qualifications, but I would like to study nursing."
There is the predictable racism to contend with. "People have said to me that I have AIDS and to take my children back to Africa. It upsets me for my children to hear that."