As I write this, I'm putting together a radio programme for Saint Valentine's Day. As theme nights go, it's a fairly easy one, because of course just about every song in the book is on the subject of love. Having said that, how many times do you really want to hear love rhymed with above (as in stars) or dove (as in turtle)? Perhaps Van Morrison is the only one to have managed an alternative when, in Madame George, he not only sings the glorious "the love that loves to love the love that loves" but also manages "Hey love, you forgot your glove". There, are of course, other exceptions but, by and large, songwriters tend to tend stick with "I love you, you love me too, bill and coo, coochie-coo" etc etc. I suppose it goes with the senseless territory of the heart. And people in love probably don't notice these things anyway.
But there are at least 50 ways to leave your lovesong and so I attempt to examine the available sung evidence to try to learn more about this thing called L.O.V.E. According to my records Love Is Strange, Love Is The Drug, Love Is Teasing, Love Has No Pride, Love Is A Four Letter Word and in one notable Johnny Nash song, Love Ain't Nothin' But A Monkey On Your Back. It can also be tainted, supreme, crazy, warm and, if the Beatles are to be believed, all you need. A further word of warning however, Love Hurts, Love Makes Me Do Foolish Things and There Ain't No Cure For Love - but, when it comes down to it, I am assured that You Ain't Livin' til You're Lovin'. That's Amore.
But I'm as wise as ever. And so, I ask myself again, What Is This Thing Called Love? As somebody in Fermanagh once said, "love is a misunderstanding between two eejits". That might be worth a certain reflection. Come to think of it, there's a man in Fermanagh called Valentine Valentine. And so when I ask myself Where Is The Love? I can't help but think of Fermanagh, although I accept that love is to be found in other places also - Love Is All Around, Love is In The Air and more often than not, it's in vain: "And I followed her to the station/With a suitcase in my hand/Well it's hard to tell, it's hard to tell,/When all your love's in vain/All my love's in vain"
So, while I'm no further on as to what exactly it is or where exactly I might find it beyond the borders of the Erne County, maybe I can work out what the rules of engagement are. There is apparently a way of going about it - quite definite True Love Ways. There is a fundamental Look Of Love and a quite strict Recipe For Love but it's worth remembering that although You Don't Have to Say You Love Me there is a mandatory clause which demands that you Love Me Love My Dog.
People in love-songs say daft things and this irrationality can often be a hoot. There's a certain reassuring entertainment to be had from the misery of singers of songs such as Please Send Me Someone To Love, Will You Love Me Tomorrow? You've Lost That Loving Feeling, When Will I Be Loved? or Why Don't You Haul Off And Love Me? But just as often the lovestruck singer is entirely cocka-hoop and persists in rashly optimistic claims about the condition itself. When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever, Our Love Is Here To Stay (Your Mother's Here to Stay), I'm Gonna Make You Love Me, How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You and so on. This blether seems to be the most common symptom of love which I feel I must remind you once again is "a misunderstanding between two eejits". Je t'Aime and When a Man Loves A Woman he apparently can't keep his mind on nothin' else. What was I talking about? It's just a silly phrase I'm going through.
I recall that the rhapsodic rock band, Queen once sang a song called I'm In Love With My Car. This I do not understand. Although I do appreciate the internal rhyme in the line "I've got a feel for my automobile". Other than that, it would seem that love in a lovesong is generally reserved for human beings and their dogs. It seems quite evident from close study that What the World Needs Now Is Love Sweet Love and that Everybody Needs Somebody to Love. If you want me to quantify it, I'd say A Whole Lotta Love. As regards technique, You can love someone "tender", Like A Rock or In The Morning. And if you encounter any resistance to love, this be countered with a bottle of Love Potion Number 9 available from Madame Ruth (you know that gypsy with the gold-capped tooth?) and all good pharmacists. Some singers, it must be said, tend to boast about love but even the scantest exploration of this approach to the lovesong will take us into the sweaty realm of sex and maybe we should try to keep it clean for the day that's in it. That cuts out most of my r'n'b, rock n'roll and blues records.
Country music is a horse of a different colour, however, and a fertile ground for most forms of emotional excess. There's no lovesong like a country lovesong - raw, sentimental, wonderful garbage full of cheatin', leavin', drinkin' and dyin' - but not necessarily in that order. Honky-tonk star George Jones sings a particularly gruesome one about emptying a decanter shaped like Elvis and drinking its contents from a jelly-bean jar shaped like Fred Flintstone. The memorable chorus ends with the line: "Yabadabadoo, the King is gone and so are you".
It helps to sing through your jaw and be married to Tammy Wynette. She'll stand by you and if Drinkin' Don't Kill Me (Her Memory Will). Other spectacular country lovesongs rejoice in titles such as All My Ex's Live In Texas (That's Why I Hang My Hat in Tennessee), You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly, She Still Comes Around (To Love What's Left Of Me) and I Married Her Just Because She Looks Like You. And this is where the lovesong really comes into its own - when it's bitter and twisted. And what do you get when you play a country record backwards? You get your wife back.
John Kelly is a writer and broadcaster.