CONVERSATIONS WITH HIMSELFAs a man who likes to relax a lot in summer, Karl MacDermottwonders why people feel they have to get every DIY job completed by the end of August
WHY DO PEOPLE always feel the need to "do stuff" during the summer? In their house. Or garden. Are the neighbours at it again?
You bet. Must get that new wooden floor put in with those four work guys and 17 hammers - because it's summer! Must cut back that overgrown bush with those new turbo-powered electric shears - because it's summer! Must get the kitchen extended, again, and knock down those three walls, again - because it's summer! Why can't people chill-out? People are off. People have time to organise things.
Well, what about the people who are off, who haven't organised things? And don't want to organise things, in fact, they never organise things - and they don't want their peace and tranquillity shattered by busybody neurotic neighbours who want to have every DIY job completed by the end of August? Well, maybe you yourself should organise a few things too.
I don't want to organise things! Why not just one thing? The ceiling in the bedroom for example. How about that damp spot? I'd get that seen to.
Let the roof leak! My house is a metaphor for my body. It is in a state of decay. Such is life. Don't think like that. Don't get all philosophical and Kierkegaardy on me. Look at it from a different angle. If you organise things, even one thing, you can get the neighbours back. They're making noise. But now, you will be making noise.
You want me to succumb to their level? At least you will not just be sitting at home listening to their noise. They'll be sitting at home listening to your noise.
Yeah, but now I'll have to listen to their noise and my noise. I don't see how this makes things better. In fact, it'll make things worse. Quadrophonic misery! Maybe it will assuage your guilt. Because maybe all this is rooted in guilt. The neighbours are "doing things" while you do nothing. Maybe, deep down, you feel you should be doing something. And by organising things you will have "done" something and feel all the better for it.
Thank you, Dr Schweinsteiger. Is our hour up? What is wrong with you? What is so difficult about organising one thing during the summer?
Okay, I shall tell you. I will have to ring up some guy called "Eamonn" and get him to come out and have a look at "the job" and wait for him a few times while he cancels at the last minute and eventually he will turn up and I will have to make a measured judgment whether he's a dependable type, but, at that stage, I will have been messed around by two other guys so I will choose him, no matter, and overlook the chain smoking and that misspelt tattoo, and then I will wonder how much he is going to charge and will make a half-hearted attempt to haggle the price down. Then I will try to arrange a time and a day that he is free from his busy schedule and then, before he comes out, I'll have to shift things and move them out of the way so he can get down to "the job" and he'll tell me it will take two days - but he'll be there longer, and he and his workmates will be banging away with their implements hour after hour, and I'll have to stay in the house, because I won't be able to relax if I leave in case something goes wrong. I'll be stuck in the one room he and his sidekicks are not traipsing around in, a prisoner trapped in a cacophonous dystopia of my own making and while sitting there one thought will revolve in my head over and over again - why did I have to go and organise things?
• Displaced in Mullingar resumes next month