The following are responses to an article in Healthpluswhich appeared last week, October 20th, in David Coleman's Ask the Expert column in the Parenting section
I’M A LITTLE shocked that David Coleman gives the “non-believing” parents of a five year old the ultimatum of either (a) allowing their daughter to fully conform to the Catholic doctrine of her school or (b) removing her from the school and home-schooling her until she gets a place in a multi-denominational school.
I don’t think he has fully explored the educational situation of the child or the attitude of the parents. I would like to offer our family’s experience as an alternative approach that the parents may take heart from.
My husband and I are atheists, brought up as children in the Catholic faith. We opted to send our two daughters to our local Catholic primary school rather than have them travel out of the community each day to a multi- or non-denominational school.
At the outset we spoke to the Catholic school principal, who was understanding and helpful. The school’s approach was that during religion class, our girls could do other work, eg read or draw.
We were happy with this as we hadn’t wanted them to be taken out of their class during the school day if at all possible.
We understood that the Catholic ethos permeated most of the school day, but we were secure enough in our own beliefs and the intelligence of our children not to be worried about their “exposure” to Catholic beliefs.
In fact, we were happy that they were receiving the sort of moral values that we ourselves were trying to instil in our girls. The technicalities of the Bible, Gospels and the existence of God etc, we dealt with in accordance with our own belief, that these are simply stories used to convey a wonderful moral system to children.
We also would have handled our children’s questions in accordance with the level of maturity they were at. Like the parents in the letter published, we also used that phrase, “Some people believe that happened, but we believe it’s just a story”.
We would always couch it in terms of stating what we believe and never in terms of demanding that they reject the Catholic faith.
As they mature (they are now in 5th class and 1st year), they are thinking things through more deeply.
I like to think they are working things out for themselves, which is only what we want for them.
Our firm belief is that you can love your neighbours as yourself, treat others the way you would like yourself and your loved ones to be treated, look out for the vulnerable and those in trouble, give back to your community what you receive, relish and respect the beauty of nature, including the wonderful capacity of humankind. Do all of these things without believing in the existence of God, who to me is a technicality.
So for the most part, we and our children are not in conflict with what is taught as religion in our national school. Our younger daughter in particular would have gone through a phase of praying at night and wanting to make her First Communion and wear the dress.
Our approach was not to make a fuss, not to make an issue of the praying. We simply told her that only Catholics make Communion and in the same way when a seven year old asks for an inappropriate birthday present, firm but polite refusals worked for us.
Our girls have not experienced distress or trauma in their school lives due to our atheism.
Schoolmates have asked questions over the years of course, but children very quickly get used to the idea that Joey is from the Philippines, Mary has no mother, Danny doesn’t do religion.
We have been very lucky in having extremely understanding and kind teachers for the girls who have never made them feel awkward or left out.
Similarly within our community, I have never experienced anything negative in terms of what we believe.
We did have to ask for and nurture them, but we have found great supports in bringing up our children according to our own beliefs. I realise we may be luckier than others in the supports we have found.
However, I’d like to offer the couple in the letter the strong hope that they, too, will find it possible to carry on.
For us, it was a question of taking the good from what is offered by a Catholic school – and there is so much good – but also of being sure of our own ground and showing our children this certainty in our own beliefs.
Yours sincerely,
Frances Gaynor
– by e-mail
Dear Sir,
I am quite surprised at David Coleman’s advice to the (atheist?) parents of the child in the Catholic school. He seems to be advising, “Put up or shut up”. Would he have given that advice to a Muslim, Hindu or Protestant parent?
Does he realise that non-Catholic families in Ireland have very little choice when it comes to non-Catholic schooling? And, if you live in the countryside you have absolutely no choice.
I am also surprised that he finds the reason these parents are not Catholic relevant to the issue and he, essentially, asks them to analyse their reasons for not being Catholic.
These non-Catholic parents, out of necessity, have their child in a Catholic school. However, they are teaching her to respect her classmates’ beliefs and are relaxed about her taking part in the religious aspects of the classroom.
I have four children ranging in ages from three to 11 and, as an atheist, am in the exact same situation as these parents.
May I offer some alternative advice for the approaching Communion:
1. Talk to the teacher and principal about it now and explain the situation. If they are anything like the Catholic school my children go to, the teachers will be great about it. They may also have some tips for you and will be more aware in their dealings with your daughter.
2. Is there a little party/celebration after the Communion? Your daughter will, of course, be invited. Buy her a new dress, perhaps, and let her know she’s going to celebrate her classmates’ Communion with them. She can be happy for them and join in all but the religious aspects.
3. Plan something else special for that day, something similar to what the communicants are doing (visiting family, going on a picnic, etc).
4. Talk to other parents closer to the time, explain you are not a Catholic (the fact that you used to be, if indeed you used to be, is irrelevant to the issue) and mention your predicament.
Ask for their empathy in dealing with your daughter, so that they do not say things like, “Oh, that’s terrible you’re not making your Communion”, but rather, “isn’t it great that you’ll come to the party afterwards”.
You’ll be amazed at how open-minded and understanding other parents can be.
Yours sincerely,
Anne Tuite
– by e-mail