Communication – even during times of conflict – is the key to making relationships last, writes JOHN SHARRY.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves,” Carl Jung
“He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened,” Lao Tzu
THE IMPORTANCE of communication is one of the least disputed principles in most psychological models of long-term relationships and marriages. The ability to talk and connect with one another on an ongoing basis, during the good and bad times, is the life force of a happy relationship. Even in relationships under strain, as long as there is communication there is hope, because once communication stops or is reduced to only very negative exchanges there is little room for reconciliation.
The building blocks of communication can be broken down into listening and speaking your own mind. Of these two skills, listening is probably the most important and certainly the hardest to get right. Relationship expert Stephen Covey argues that the mark of great communicators and leaders is that they always listen first or, as he puts it, they ‘seek first to understand and then to be understood’.
When things are going well in a relationship we do not notice the importance of communication, it is during times of conflict that these skills are tested. It is when we encounter deep interpersonal differences and problems that communication and listening is most needed. While we might hope that our marriages and long-term relationships might be trouble-free, this is almost never the case.
In studies, marriage researcher John Gottman has found that couples, whether happy or not, all have ongoing problems which cause arguments and disputes. Also, the problems they argue about at the beginning of the marriage are often the same problems they argue about 10 years later.
Though many of these basic arguments between couples can appear to be petty (such as different views on house cleaning), they can be major sources of ongoing conflict. At their heart these conflicts represent deep enduring differences in personality or world views or values.
If not understood, these differences can be acted out within frequent rows, criticism and sniping. Though they may start out with petty rows, over time these conflicts can deepen and become more frequent. Eventually they can erode the fabric of the relationship and even lead to separation.
The key to not letting these conflicts derail your relationship is the ability to step into your partner’s shoes and see the world as they see it or, in simple terms, to really listen and to understand the values and explanations that underpin the conflict. Consider the apparently innocuous difference many couples have over punctuality.
One partner might place a very high value on being early in contrast to the other partner who likes to get there just in time (with the risk of being late). If we listen closely to the couple, the source of these differences is likely to have deeper roots. The partner who hates the stress of rushing finds that the risk of being late causes them great anxiety. Furthermore, they like to be early because they equate lateness as rudeness and would never dream of being late for anyone they cared about. This comes from a value of preparedness and respect that they learned from their parents.
On the other hand, the other partner hates to be idle or to waste time. They equate waiting or being early as being wasteful, when they could have got another thing done and this can cause anxiety. These people love the ‘adrenaline rush’ of being in a hurry especially when it is in the context of getting a lot done.
This was a value that the person learnt from their parents; about the importance of being busy and getting a lot done.
With all relationship conflicts, the problem is not the difference of views, it is the fact that we think our partner is ‘stupid’, ‘hysterical’ or ‘unreasonable’ for the view they hold. We stop valuing our differences and instead see them as sources of irritation or even a deliberate personal attack on us. In his therapeutic work with couples, Gottman tries to help couples appreciate the ‘life dream’ that underpins the position of their partner. The aim is to help couples deeply listen so they can understand the positive explanations, values and intentions that underpin their views and behaviours. Once couples understand their differences more positively then they can begin to accommodate each other or, as Stephen Covey suggests, search for a ‘win-win’ – a way that both of them can get what they need and want, especially on matters of great importance to them both. This is where communication and especially listening really matters.
While listening and understanding our partner’s world view is crucial in relationships, such deep listening can only occur when we are self-aware in terms of our own feelings, thoughts and values.
We can only listen to others when we can also listen to ourselves. Or we can only ‘tune into’ our partner when we can first ‘tune into’ ourselves.
Self-awareness in relationships forms the basis of listening and being empathic to our partner.
Many people who are stuck in ongoing negative conflicts and disputes are caught into ‘reacting’. They may not be even aware what is going on for them and where their strong feelings are coming from. The first step to change is to pause and to take a moment to understand what is going on for you first and foremost. You can think, is this really an important issue for you? Where do these strong feelings come from?
In this space, you create a distance from your emotions and you discover you have a choice in how you respond. When working with couples I am constantly encouraging them to be mindful and self-aware of their emotions, rather than necessarily ruled by them.
Ultimately, all relationships start from yourself; your ability to relate to others is dependent on your ability to relate to yourself. There is great hope in this statement as it takes only one person to change to create a positive difference in a relationship. Or, put more simply, the best way to change others is to first change yourself.
John Sharry is an author, psychotherapist and life coach and will be giving a talk on The Secret of Happy Relationships and Marriages in Dublin on September 22nd – see solutiontalk.ie