Men are often forgotten about during a miscarriage but their feelings of grief are just as real, writes Ciaran Brennan
IN BRITAIN women who have experienced a miscarriage are encouraged to read a book entitled Miscarriage: Women's Experiences and Needs. Described as sympathetic and helpful, the book explores the many different ways in which women physically experience miscarriage and emotionally react to it.
The book title would seem to suggest that only women are affected by the trauma of miscarriage. However, quite often their partners and husbands have similar feelings of grief, loss and anger, but men are often forgotten about in the tragedy of miscarriage. They are not given the support that they should receive.
It is often thought that they may not have formed a bond with the baby when this is not the case. In many cases, the partner feels as upset as the woman.
"Even just 10 years ago I would say that women were forgotten in the process," says Ruth Bender Atik, director of the Miscarriage Association in Britain.
"But it's got better for women. People are beginning to understand the kind of emotional impact that miscarriage can have but they very often forget that it affects men too. And it might not be in the same way and it might not be at the same time but for many men this is still the loss of a baby."
A study carried out by the Rotunda Hospital four years ago found that men experience the same feelings of grief and bereavement as women do when their partners have a miscarriage. It also found that while men felt support services for their partners were adequate following miscarriage, they themselves felt excluded. Research has generally focused on the emotional consequences for women, with little done to assess the impact on men.
With changes in society, men are involved more in parenting and this has resulted in a new previously unrecognised emotional need in the case of early pregnancy loss, according to the study.
The introduction of routine ultrasound scanning in obstetric practice may also lead to the expectant fathers developing early bonding.
Male stereotyping can play a part in men being excluded and forgotten about when it comes to miscarriage, says Bender Atik. Traditionally, men are supposed to be supportive and strong and are not expected to show their own grief.
"I think it is not only because people think the woman has gone through the physical aspect of it, it's because I think that people also have stereotypes of the strong, silent man," she says. "So even if men do feel enormously distressed, they may find it hard to express their feelings because they are not supposed to - big boys don't cry - or because they might worry that it's going to make it worse for their partner."
Former England goalkeeper Nigel Martyn's wife, Amanda, miscarried on four occasions. In a booklet Men and Miscarriage published by the Miscarriage Association of which he is now a patron, he wrote: "Men often find it very hard to talk about their deep emotional feelings and subsequently the effect of miscarriage on men is often underestimated."
Men should accept that it is normal to feel many intense emotions after the miscarriage, including disbelief, sadness, anger, frustration and guilt, even if sometimes they think these aren't "manly", acceptable feeling to have, according to the Miscarriage Association of Ireland. Differences in the way that men and women express their emotions may cause tensions in the relationship. It is important for men to be open about their feelings, so that their partner understands they too have suffered a loss.
"I like to avoid generalisations but it is often the case that women are able to find or source other people to talk to and they will share their feelings but men might find it more difficult to talk to their friends or their workmates about how they are feeling and that may give them that sense of being alone," says Bender Atik.
Men sometimes can blame their partner for the miscarriage - and vice-versa - but this has no basis in scientific fact and is likely to be very dangerous for the relationship, according to the Miscarriage Association of Ireland.
"Guilt feelings may arrive after the miscarriage, especially about sexual relations during pregnancy. There is no scientific evidence that links sexual intercourse or any kind of love making with miscarriage," it says. Adjusting to the loss takes time, it says. There is a common series of events that people go through in the grieving process, this does not often happen quickly.