Summer holiday blues

MIND MOVES: Couldn't wait for the holidays? Well, now they are here. Schools are closed. Exams are over

MIND MOVES: Couldn't wait for the holidays? Well, now they are here. Schools are closed. Exams are over. Canteens are less crowded. Traffic is marginally less congested.

The atmosphere at work is lighter, as those who return from holidays are refreshed and those remaining anticipate the break ahead. There is a radiance to life, a sense of renewal. Summertime is an oasis in the working year. Living easy. Mornings sparkling. Days bright. Evenings endless. Clothes colourful, less formal, less heavy, less bulky and confined.

When summer comes we know that the long, languid, lusciousness of liberation has begun. Soon our turn will come. It will be great. Can't wait.

So why, oh why, does it all go so terribly wrong for so many people each year? Why do family holidays cause conflict? Why do parents flee back to work concealing guilty glee that the much anticipated, over-rated 24/7 stint with kith and kin, spouse and kids is over? Back to the safe, predictable, controllable, normative hassles of the workplace for another year of ironic "wishing" the next bout of holidays were here.

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There is no doubt that one of the most therapeutic aspects of holidays is their anticipation. Looking forward to holidays often sustains us when we are stressed. There is a tenacious belief, impervious to annual evidence to the contrary, that this year, this family holiday will be perfect.

What makes anticipation of holidays so useful is that having booked a holiday there is a definite date on which "freedom" begins. At work it jumps out from diaries. When people are making appointments, organising meetings, scheduling clients or preparing work rosters it is a legitimate reason why one cannot participate - "Sorry I'm away that day on annual leave."

Less engaging work activities can be deferred until after the holidays but more often they are tackled energetically knowing that recovery time is imminent. Clearing the desk, completing all tasks, deleting daily the items on the long "to do" list is part of pre-holiday behaviour. Pre-holiday time is often the most productive working time.

The exhaustion, therefore, with which parents working outside home often begin their holidays does not augur well for the stress of travel with young children. Even packing can be stressful - the depression of the holiday clothes that no longer fit and the unanticipated expense for children who have outgrown last year's finery or who require this year's label.

Then there is lugging luggage through airports, on and off trolleys, keeping overexcited children safe while holding passports and boarding cards.

Finally, it is no fun to arrive somewhere in the middle of the night, tired, thirsty and three miles further from the beach than you thought you would be. Who decided on this holiday anyway?

Think of fair skin in tropical climes, unfamiliar food on delicate stomachs, factor 60 sun lotion and tears salting scorched infant faces with the pain of sunburn, disrupted routine and accommodation which is less appealing and spacious than the brochure portrayed.

Some families decide that hiring a villa abroad and away from the world will provide the perfect "together" time.

But questions need to be asked about how that will work - one set of chores replaced by another, the daily decision about "what do we do today" and no babysitters to provide couples with some time alone.

Can your children visit their new friends' houses safely? Is the local disco for teens? And when did your little girl adopt attire that she can't be let out in and now that she's out, you will have to wait up to collect her.

Of course some of these hazards are avoided if one holidays at home. They are replaced by packing for four seasons, sky-watching for clouds to disappear, goose pimples, blue lips and numb hands struggling with after-swim dressing. The peaceful house for a month, to which one enthusiastically invited locals to drop in, family to stay and friends to visit, can become a nightmare of entertaining others.

Despite holidays warranting a place on the famous Holmes Rahe Stress Scale, they need not be too stressful. Psychological preparation can divert major disappointment by realising that realism is required.

Ideal relationships and perfect children do not emerge with a change of location for a month.

Anticipate what can go wrong. Get full information on everything in advance. Take virtual tours on the internet. Insist on family friendly flight times. Get your pharmacist's advice on a holiday first aid kit. Consider bringing a trusted babysitter and one or two of your children's friends.

Before choosing a holiday, identify what is important to each family member so that plans include something for everyone.

Holidays can be adventurous, challenging, relaxing or fun, in far-flung locations or spent at home. It is not how much a holiday costs or where you go, but what it means, when it is taken, why, with whom and with what expectations it is arranged that will determine whether it is a relaxing time or an event that makes work seem like a holiday and the holiday too much work.

Marie Murray is director of psychology at St Vincent's Hospital, Fairview.