ASK THE EXPERT:The years between 14 and 16 are often the hardest for teens and, consequently, for parents, writes David Coleman
MY TEENAGE son has begun to get very violent. He turned 15 over the summer and his temper has become unreal. He has always had a bit of a temper and, to be honest, me and his dad have been known to shout too.
But we never hit him or any of the children and so I don't know why he is suddenly getting so violent. Last week I had to tell him to turn off his mobile phone at 1.30am because he was still getting texts and responding to them and he wasn't sleeping.
When I did he lost it completely and started screaming at me and threw a tub of hair gel from his bedside locker at me. It hit me on the arm. I was so distressed and shocked I just turned and ran from the room.
He hasn't apologised since and I haven't been able to look him in the eye or talk to him either. I used to think we were close but it is just awful now. Is there anything I can do?
TO START, try to hold on to your faith in yourself, your parenting ability and in your son. Although things sound bad now, they are likely to improve in the future, especially if you have had a very good and successful relationship with your son until recently.
For whatever reason this sounds like a particularly turbulent time in your son's life. The years between 14 and 16 are often the hardest for teens and, consequently, for parents.
His increased temper and aggression could be associated with higher levels of testosterone that is most likely a part of his physical development right now.
It could also be that he is under increased pressure at school or with his peers and he is taking this out on you.
In your description of your difficulties with your son there is almost no mention of his dad. What was your husband's reaction to you being hit by the tub of gel? I would feel that it is important that your husband does react and respond in support of you.
I am always concerned when I hear of things becoming physically violent between children and parents, whichever way it flows. Once physical violence occurs, the most natural reaction is for that to be reciprocated by the other.
It is really important that, if you choose to impose consequences on your son for his behaviour, you avoid hitting him back. It will do more harm in the long run. However, hurting you is not okay and he needs to know this.
Fifteen is a tricky age to be imposing consequences. A lot of youngsters will challenge and disobey the consequence and create a real power battle along the lines of " . . . and what are you going to do about it anyway!"
So only impose a consequence that you can ensure will be enforceable or don't impose one at all. If you decide to give him a consequence then removing his mobile phone for a period of time would seem like a natural response in the context of the situation you describe.
Irrespective of consequences, the most important thing is to try to maintain dialogue with your son. He could be feeling quite lost and overwhelmed with the enormity of adolescence and the pressures it brings.
His behaviour, getting angry and now lashing out, are likely to represent some attempt to get needs met. That need might simply be to vent the frustration he feels; it might be that he needs to assert his independence and authority and is using violence to do it; it might be that he needs lots of space to work things out and so pushes people away with his anger; it might be that he needs to be noticed.
So what you are aiming for is to help him to talk about his feelings and his needs rather than continue to show them to you. It won't stop him getting angry but it will allow him to prevent himself from losing control with that anger.
I would imagine that you would find this quite hard right now, as you are experiencing your own hurt and distress in direct response to his actions. It is a challenge (but worthwhile) for you to try to sort out those feelings separately to leave space in your own head to reach back out to your son.
If you struggle to connect with him at this level right now, then see if his dad can reach that place or even look outside your family to your extended family or friends who may be able to connect with him.
Hopefully things will improve but if the situation continues to worsen then seek help from your local child guidance service or consider attending a psychologist or child psychiatrist privately.
Try to remember that while the son you love and care for is still there, embodied in teenage angst and anger, the child you loved and cared for might now have moved closer to the adult you must come to love and care about.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author of the book Parenting is Child's Playand broadcaster with RTÉ television. More information about David can be found on his website www.davidcoleman.ie
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie