Two mothers have recently set up Help Me2 Parent to run courses prepared by Parents Plus, writes Sheila Wayman
IT COMES sooner and lasts longer. It is more turbulent and more demanding than ever. Adolescence is probably the most challenging time in the lifelong relationship between a parent and a child.
With the innocence of childhood ending earlier and increased pressures within the education system and wider availability of drink and drugs, it is a scarier time now. Couple that with the tendency today of parents to keep their children very close until they start secondary school, and it can be what family psychotherapist and author John Sharry describes as an "explosive change" for both sides.
"It is a normal time for parents to go through. But even if you are prepared, it is still a terrible shock," he says. "It is a process that has to happen and you are going to be wounded by that.''
That child whom you have cherished, nourished and guided since birth, has become a teenager who has to find his or her independent path. Sharry, the director of Parents Plus, agrees that the pressures and uncertainties of modern life compound the issues.
"There is more to worry about now for parents. The teenage years are a time when young people make a few mistakes and go off the rails. With drugs, suicide and depression out there, there are bigger issues. Young people who fall through the cracks are falling further.''
Looking for guidance in how to deal with their teenage children, two Co Kildare mothers, Martina Newe and Teresa Hart, went on their first parenting course last year. Run on one night a week over two months by Kildare Youth Services, it was specifically about teenagers.
"This course was talking about everyday issues, such as setting boundaries, building a sense of responsibility, effective discipline," says Hart. "There is a tendency to think that these courses are only for people who have problems. The majority of people on it were ordinary people with ordinary issues."
It was a turning point for both women. "It is not just the skills you learn," explains Newe, "but the realisation that you are the same as any other parent and have the same problems.
"I felt stressed out with my kids, constantly dealing with the same issues," says Hart, who has an 18-year-old son and a 12-year-old daughter. "The techniques we learned helped me. It is not about changing your child, but changing the relationship."
Newe, who has three daughters, aged 18, 14 and 12, says the girls have a much more trusting relationship with her now, which developed as a result of putting some of what she learned into practice.
Key to her approach is reflective listening, "reinforcing not only that you are listening but hearing what they're saying", she explains. "This has made a huge difference. They will get down deeper with me now."
Both mothers were so enthused by the whole experience that they thought many other parents would benefit from such a course. Having found that the availability of parenting courses is very limited, they have set up Help Me2 Parent to run courses prepared by Parents Plus. While some courses draw on American programmes, all the material from Parents Plus is developed by Irish professionals who have Irish families, says Newe.
A charity committed to researching and developing educational materials and resources for parents and children, Parents Plus sees the venture as another way of getting out into the community. Sharry has come on board as part-time director and will lead the first three courses, which are targeted at parents of one- to six-year-olds, six- to 11-year-olds and teenagers, starting in November. They are two-day courses run over two Saturdays, to suit working parents. The cost is €295 per person, with a €100 discount for a partner.
"It was a long-time concern of Parents Plus that we have been in the business of preparing materials and training professionals, but when contacted by private individuals, as we often are, we had nowhere to send them," says Sharry. He describes it as "a win-win situation" as it means Parents Plus can steer parents towards a private course which it can stand over.
There's always a big demand for parenting courses, says Sharry, with a noticeable increase over the past decade or so as society has changed.
Newe, an IT consultant, and Hart, who works in accounts, met 18 years ago when they were both expecting their first children. Having known each other to see in the Celbridge estate where they live, Crodaun Forest Park, they ended up in the Coombe maternity hospital together.
As they struggled through the early days of parenthood, they found that the support they were able to give one other was invaluable.
"I was the youngest of nine children, but when you have your own and you are on your own with them, it's totally different," says Newe. She sees how isolated many new mothers are, away from families and in estates where most people are out working all day.
"There is nobody to turn to for advice," says Newe. "I think parents lack confidence because they are not in 'the parents club'."
She also believes working mothers carry a psychological burden. "We still carry guilt that we are not there when the children come home from school. It affects your confidence. You want to be the best mother you can be, but feel you can't because you are not with them."
"Having children affects your whole life. It is just an explosion of new experiences," says Hart. "Ante-natal classes are all about labour, and that's just for one day, then you have the child for another 20 years."
When that child becomes a surly, disobedient or, worse, violent, teenager, parents may feel totally disempowered. But Sharry stresses that they are still key in their children's lives and parents should not give up but "stay at it".
It's all about persisting in keeping communication open: talk to them (even if they're not saying much back), listen and enforce boundaries.
"Young people regard that as caring but they won't tell you that," says Sharry. He also recommends "making the best of small moments".
In one case of an out-of-control teenager he dealt with, the one thing the boy and his father could keep talking about was Manchester United. "Even in the most difficult times, they could still talk about Ronaldo," he says. "Keep connected, it's a way of saying 'we are here for you'."
After last year's course, Newe started family meetings with her girls. Instead of being authoritarian, you sit down and discuss what you want to do. One of them takes minutes. It gives them a sense of involvement and is quite a nice way to say 'hey, we are a team'," she says.
One of the challenges of parenting a teenager is coping with the realisation that your child is an individual and accepting that he or she won't conform to what you want.
"It's about respecting their rights and allowing them to make decisions," says Newe. "What the course taught us was to stand back and let them take responsibility."
Of course it does not all happen on the day they turn 13. Sharry advises on giving children gradual, supportive freedom.
"Don't do anything for a child that they can do themselves" is a mantra you should hold in mind at all times - no matter how much quicker, easier or effective it is to do it yourself.
"Look at the things you are doing for your child and ask yourself what you could stop doing," says Sharry.
Understanding when to let go is vital, says Newe, who stresses that it is a time in your child's life that can be great fun and should be celebrated too. The sense of empowerment she and Hart gained from doing the course this time last year is what drives both women.
"You are trained for everything else," adds Newe, "and parenting is such a critically important job. We both passionately believe in the power of positive parenting.''
For details about Help Me 2 Parent courses, which start in November, see www.helpme2parent.ie or phone 087-689 0582.
Negotiating the difficult years by giving teenagers both boundaries and freedom
Remember that there is nothing more embarrassing to a teenager than a parent. This will go a long way towards helping you understand your changing relationship with a child who once regarded you as an all-knowing being.
Forget those early, blissful days of adulation. What matters now is that your teenager has the support and boundaries to allow them a safe passage into adulthood. Even if your teenage son or daughter is physically towering over you, don't forget they can still be quite childish.
Despite all the dread of teenage angst, it can also be a most rewarding and entertaining time for parents. Teenagers are witty and stimulating, as well as dour and unco-operative.
Drawing on the experience of volunteers who take many calls from parents seeking help with handling teenagers, Parentline manager Rita O'Reilly offers the following advice:
NEGOTIATE RULES
Although teenagers are asserting their independence, parents still hold the trump card when it comes to providing a home, sustenance and finances. Discuss rules and sanctions with them, which is treating them like an adult and will also help them to understand the reasons for the rules.
KEEP TALKING - AND LISTENING
It's a stage of life when nobody is more boring than a parent. But no matter how sullen your teenager becomes, keep talking. The one advantage of the fact that they look for lifts everywhere is that it provides an ideal opportunity for conversation: there's no need for eye contact; they can't storm off and slam the door; it's a fixed time to the journey's end.
NETWORK WITH OTHER PARENTS
Its important to get to know the parents of your teenager's friends.
It's a deterrent to deception when a gang of teenagers know their parents are in contact.
When your child is complaining that they are the only one not being allowed to do something, it's helpful to be able to check the truth of that.
OPEN YOUR HOUSE TO THEIR FRIENDS
The peer group is all important in a teenager's life and it is vital they have friends.
Make your home a welcoming place for them - that way, you will know where your child is, and who they're with. Leave them alone, but look for opportunities to pass through where they are, engaging in casual conversation.
DONT LOOK FOR PERFECTION
Ensuring their safety and maintaining a relationship is far more important than insisting on the niceties of manners and dress.
As for a tidy bedroom, that just doesn't matter. If the sight of it offends you, close the door.
REASSURE
Teenagers will make mistakes and may get into a situation where they feel out of their depth, whether it's dating, drugs or drink that is involved. They need to know that they can get out of it by ringing you for a lift home, no questions asked (at least until the next morning). Reassure them that you are always there for them, and their safety is what matters.
• Take a Fresh Look at Parenting: Teenagers is a course offered by Parentline to school, community or workplace groups. For details, tel: 1890-927 277 or see www.parentline.ie
Marking National Parents Week with an array of events
Getting It Right for Families is the theme of National Parents Week, which runs from October 13th to 19th. Now in its fourth year, the emphasis is on celebration and education.
Run by Parentline, the confidential helpline service, and partner organisations such as county childcare committees, schools and libraries, there will be a number of key public events. But all organisations, including creches, community centres and workplaces around the country, are encouraged to mark the week with their own events. (See full programme listing on parentline.ie)
The highlights include:
A talk by John Sharry on Bringing Up Responsible Happy Children on October 14th, at 8pm in the Mansion House, Dublin. Admission free.
A talk by Dr Tony Humphreys on All Challenging Behaviour has Meaning on October 11th, 10am-4pm in the Glenview Hotel, Glen of the Downs, Co Wicklow. Cost €25 including lunch.
A family fun day in Brockagh, Co Wicklow, organised by the Wicklow County Child Care Committee, on October 19th.
Admission is free but places must be booked on 0404-64455.
Parentline and Nurofen for Children, which sponsors the week, have also re-launched their parenting booklet, Guide for Parents. It provides information on a range of issues, including communication, childhood illnesses and nutrition, and is available free through Parentline on 1890-927 277 or e-mail info@parentline.ie