THAT'S MEN:Neglect and threat are the main causes of rows, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN
THE SOURCES of conflict between people in long-term relationships are many but a new study breaks them down in a way I think is useful.
Writing in the journal Psychological Assessment, Dr Keith Sanford says his study revealed two main motivations behind most rows between partners.
The first is the feeling of being under threat. The second is the feeling of being neglected.
Threat doesn’t necessarily mean physical threat. It can also mean being subjected to harsh criticism or excessive control. Neglect means the perception that the other person is not putting enough into the relationship and I suspect it’s the more common source of rows.
These two dynamics can work together to create a situation that could break the relationship.
In heterosexual relationships, it seems to me that women are most likely to complain of neglect or of a lack of commitment to the relationship. I have no scientific basis for saying this – it’s just what I’ve observed in the counselling setting.
The man then perceives this as harsh criticism (and sometimes it is very harsh indeed). So now he feels he is under threat. And now you have the two dynamics identified by Sanford at work between the two: a perception of neglect by one and a perception of threat by the other.
What happens then, as Sanford points out, is that each person engages in “emotionally charged” behaviour, which can make matters worse, initially at least.
The cliched but often true pattern is that the woman complains about neglect and the man, feeling under threat, withdraws, thus further annoying the woman who complains more, leading the man to withdraw more and so on. You’d be surprised how hard it can be for people to break out of that cycle.
The same dynamic of perceived threat or neglect can be found in gay couples, I should think, though the details of how it works may depend on the psychological make-up of each of the partners.
Do I have a formula for overcoming these difficulties? No, I haven’t. If I had I would be very rich and would have my own TV show.
Sanford suggests that an apology from the allegedly neglectful one can defuse rows based on the perception by one that the other is showing too little commitment. When one person feels under threat they may, naturally, prefer a reduction in hostility and greater attempts by the other person to show genuine respect for them.
If you’re in conflict with your partner, it would, I think, help to work out which of the dynamics above is at play. Then see what you can change in how you handle it. That’s you. Not your partner.
Some readers have been wondering how I’ve been getting on with my “no whining” pledge. I announced I had taken the pledge some weeks ago after noticing my tendency to complain when the world failed to revolve around me.
How have I done? Not bad. I’ve whined a little on Facebook and Twitter about whoever cut the central locking cables on the car in Crone car park while we were having one of those Tourism Ireland-type walks in the Wicklow hills. I’ve whined about the cascade of bills that arrives around this time of the month. And I’ve whined just a little about the Government and just a little bit more about that parade of geniuses on the airwaves who can tell us everything the Government is doing wrong today but who were a lot less vocal when the seeds of disaster were being sown.
When you put it all together like that, it sounds like a lot, maybe, but it still represents a reduction in the whine level. I’m still not entirely reconciled to the world’s failure to revolve around yours truly but I’m getting there. So if you’ve noticed that the atmosphere has become lighter, that’s why. If you haven’t noticed, well, don’t come whining to me about it.
Padraig O’Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His monthly mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail