MIND MATTERS:An apology can be worth a thousand words – but it needs to be heartfelt, wries TERRY LYNCH.
OPINIONS VARY regarding apologies. John Wayne said: “Never apologise and never explain – it’s a sign of weakness.” But Canadian cartoonist Lynn Johnston maintains that “an apology is the superglue of life. It can repair anything.”
Apologies can have immense healing potential. Effective, genuine apologies tend to be uncomplicated, clear, direct, accurate and unambiguous. They involve communicating accountability, recognition and acknowledgment of an offence or hurt whether intentional or not; regret; the impact and the person’s reaction; accepting responsibility; a commitment not to repeat the offence; changes in attitude and behaviour; and whatever degree of restitution and redress is achievable, all communicated with humility and honesty, without justification.
When a person is continually affected by another’s intimidating words, behaviour and lack of apologies, self-esteem plummets. In contrast, effective apologising validates the other’s experience and feelings, helping restore self-worth and self-esteem. Apologising often has a chain- reaction effect, warming the other towards you, aiding them to address and reassess their hurt, greater willingness to reciprocate, key steps towards healing the hurt between them.
In apologising, we show effort, caring and empathy. The other feels understood. Their hurt, grudges and resentment diminish. The apologiser benefits too – guilt, frustration, isolation and sadness are reduced. Both parties can move forward. Apologies may not always have an immediate effect; the other may need time for hurt or anger to settle.
Apologies won’t work if they are superficial, shallow, begrudgingly given, insincere, without sufficient reflection or involve justification of the action or accusing the other of provoking the problem, as happens in recurring abuse (“Sorry, but you made me do it”). If the apology is distorted, diluted, fuelled by aggression or embarrassment, what the offender is apologising for may not be what the offended experienced as the original wrongdoing. Such apologies are often made without remorse or accountability, designed to pacify while protecting ourselves, potentially compounding the problem.
Our experience in current or previous relationships may create a reluctance to apologise if there was not a healthy and balanced attitude to apologies.
Some never apologise. We may be convinced we are never wrong; others believe that if the hurt was unintentional, apologies are unnecessary – they are not responsible for another’s reaction. While there may be some truth to this, the explicit acknowledgement that the person has been hurt is often appropriate.
We may erroneously equate apologising with losing face or stature. Embarrassed by being wrong, we may minimise, distort or deny the hurt caused. Within relationships where power struggles, control and manipulation are the norm, apologies may result in swift and severe punishment. Little wonder they learn to minimise and greatly resent apologising.
People who believe hurting others is unforgivable find it challenging to accept they may have done so. They rarely apologise – from their perspective, an apology is an acknowledgement that their actions were unforgivable.
Others, including many who have experienced repeated judgment, criticism, rejection or abuse, seem to be perpetually apologising. They generally have great self-doubt regarding their worth and acceptability to others, constantly living in dread that rejection will follow any confrontation or challenge.
Sometimes within uneasy, unbalanced relationships, one person becomes the apologiser, enabling a brittle, unhealthy peace to reign.
When apologies are not employed in a balanced way, efforts at reconciliation may be protracted, convoluted and incomplete. Trust, spontaneity, communication, freedom, respect and intimacy diminish, risking serious damage to the relationship.
This two-way process also applies to relationships with children. The genuineness of children’s apologies is influenced by the genuineness, degree, frequency and quality of the apologies they receive.
We all make mistakes. We do and say things that hurt others. We will never eliminate these but we can reduce their frequency by working on communication and listening.
We may not be able to control how our apology is received but we do control its quality and sincerity. Both giving and receiving an apology require maturity.
Some transgressions are too great to be amended by an apology. But, even in these situations, a heartfelt apology can be of some help to one or both parties.
- Terry Lynch is a GP and pyschotherapist in Limerick