ASK THE EXPERT:Siblings' sense of unfairness is based on their perceptions, not on your reality, writes David Coleman.
Q:I ENJOY YOUR simple, plain and logical advice. My query is regarding my second child. I have three - nine, six and two - all boys. My second child is very competitive with my first, despite the age difference.
Lately he is throwing tantrums expressing his feelings that we favour the elder or younger more than him. This we find disappointing because we are diligent in listening to them all and treating them fairly, but not necessarily equally, if you understand the difference.
We believe the older is entitled to be allowed to do things fitting to his age without having the next lad partaking at the same time. We then allow number two to do his own thing as it arises. Generally they all get on well together.
Also lately, number two seems to crave praise and attention which we generally give him with positive feedback and reward. Also he appears to be jealous if he doesn't receive everything first and is especially delighted if he gets to spend time on his own with me.
My partner works week on- week off and I work from home so we are around them a lot. Generally, they are very happy and funny kids but this issue with number two worries me a little. Is this a phase and will he grow out of it? Is there anything pro-active we can do?
A:Competition between siblings is an ancient issue and often surfaces from the moment your second child is born. Some children experience this competition more keenly than others. Temperament and personality sometimes influence why one child is more rivalrous than another.
Understandably your son's feelings of frustration or injustice are expressed as angry tantrums because he probably has no more effective way of expressing them. But the interesting bit that you need to remember is that they are his feelings based on his perception of how things are in the family.
His perception may or may not bear any resemblance to the reality of how things are, or to your perception. So where you perceive yourself and your partner to be "diligent" in being fair to all three he might not yet feel that fairness.
The key to helping him with his tantrums is to empathise with his core sense of injustice. Rather than trying to rationally explain how fair you are trying to be, you may find that it is more fruitful to try to help him express how the unfairness appears to him and see if he can help you to find ways to even the playing field (from his perspective).
I wouldn't be at all concerned about his jealousy in the context of a desire for one-to-one attention. Most children will feel this and some are just more obvious in letting the world know that they feel it.
Being around a lot doesn't always equate to being available and so sometimes our children are looking for the same "quality" time even when we are full time at home or are working from home.
Where possible do offer him the one-to-one time he is looking for. If his attention needs are met then he won't keep looking for your time.
I too feel it is appropriate for older children to have certain entitlements fitting to their age. It can be good (but hard) for children to learn that they don't just get to do things because their brother or sister does. Be careful though, because often the younger ones actually do slip into the same entitlements at a younger age, much to the ire of their older sibling.
I would suggest that you clearly write up on a chart the entitlements that accrue with age - then there can be no dispute. You can also involve both of the older ones in drawing up the list and assigning the ages; at the very least it will give you a sense of the expectations that each boy has for what they should be allowed to do.
You might also want to make a list about who gets what and in what order, ie the eldest child present at the time of distribution is first to receive. This means that when his older brother is there, your middle boy always comes second but when his older brother is away then his glory moment arrives.
Keep up the positive reinforcement and especially seek out opportunities for catching them all playing together happily (you do mention that they all generally get on well together) - it is a useful point of reminder if they start to complain about hating or being hated by the others.
And yes, hopefully, this time of major rivalry will pass with only mild and occasional bouts of resentment and injustice to be overcome in the future!
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and the author ofParenting is Child's Play . He is currently presenting21st Century Child which is broadcast on RTÉ 1 television on Mondays at 9.30pm.
Readers' queries are welcome but David Coleman regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. E-mail questions to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie