THE BIGGER PICTURE Shalini SinhaIf there's one phrase I hear a lot it's "All things in moderation." I have to say, I don't buy it. It's not a general phrase used for all aspects of life - it's certainly never used in relation to heroine, cocaine, cigarettes or murder. Conversely, you never hear it used for exercise, health or happiness either!
Its use seems to be specific, in the context of alcohol, sugar, caffeine and the like. I hear it a lot, probably because I tend to opt out of all of these, and it seems to me it's covering something up more than offering a great lesson for life.
People seem to think the idea of engaging in things in moderation shows you are able to be in control. You're portrayed as a superior person: experienced, responsible, relaxed and fun. In fact, you're often presented as more enlightened and healthy for understanding limits and not being a stressed-out prude!
It's the things that you are meant to be in control of, however, that bother me.
Alcohol is an addictive, depressant drug that deeply affects the functioning of our brain and internal organs. It is a factor in poor mental and physical health, car-related deaths, suicide and aggravated violence in our society. I'm always stunned when governments speak of weekly limits, assuming regular use of the drug, as opposed to occasional use of it in a year. If you choose to partake in it from time to time, then moderation is needed. But one should equally have the choice to opt out of it if they like.
Similarly, caffeine and sugar are addictive drugs with far more negative than positive effects. While they do not seem linked to the widespread social problems of alcohol, they are linked to concentration and learning difficulties, having generally bad effects on our health and functioning.
Still, we have little sense of their harm, making it difficult to consider what moderate amounts of sugar or caffeine might be.
Rather than us all doing the same thing, it has got to be okay to know what you do and don't want without being subjected to an onslaught of negative pressure.
I really believe you can be who you want to be, and still be fun and relaxed, even if you choose not to partake in some of our more acceptable drugs.
As it is very hard to feel good about yourself in this world, I can understand some of us coming across as defensive and prudish.
However, defences run both ways and sometimes it can be hard for others to watch someone really go after who they want to be without throwing some mean remark at them for being untrustworthy, rigid or no fun to be with.
Flexibility is another matter. While many of us are driven by an insecurity to fit in with the group, others are driven by a fear of not being good enough.
Our motives for doing things can be secretly to prove that we are good because we do the right thing.
When that exhausts us, however, we can reactively turn to the opposite to prove we are not a slave to our struggles.
The fear of being bad plagues most of us and needs to be challenged head on.
It cannot be done either by trying to prove things one way or another, or by failing to make choices at all. Ultimately, we will have to find out who we are, what we value and what moves us.
We will then need the courage to embody this, and love ourselves for it. In this way, there is no need to be rigid. We can be delighted with and easy on ourselves for who we are all the time.
There will come a point, however, when we will need to (and perhaps even want to) assess what we've learned works so we can have the best of ourselves, and focus.
We'll need to make decisions about directions that'll allow us to really express who we are, and give that the value it deserves.
The truth of those decisions will be reflected in the fact that we do some things and not others. We will begin to be uniquely who we want to be, and that will include not moderation, but real choices - opting out of things as much as embracing some things fully.
It is at this point that we will likely hear the phrase thrown at us, "Ah, but having all things in moderation is good."
Remember, it will not come to you as a profound insight into life, but as a defensive arrow meant to disarm your right to choice - to stop you from flourishing, knowing and being who you want to be, and to insist that you keep things acceptable for everyone else who fails to make those choices.
It's a weapon of collusion for a society going wrong. Indeed, no one who wished the best for themselves and others would be bothered to try to control what you do for your real happiness.
Shalini Sinha has worked as a life coach and counsellor. She presents the intercultural programme, Mono, on RTÉ Television. She has a BA in comparative religion and anthropology and an MA in women's studies