MIND MOVES:You need to care for yourself first to help others, writes Terry Lynch
BALANCED SELF-CARE is a key ingredient of mental wellbeing. Often frowned upon as a selfish quality, self-care is a necessity.
In caring for ourselves, we affirm to ourselves our innate value. Balanced, effective self-care provides a springboard both for healthy interaction with others and productive engagement with the world. We regularly endorse this truth in many of our choices and attitudes.
A person going under the surgeon's knife will expect this doctor to possess certain qualities. Along with clinical competence, they will want a surgeon who takes good care of themselves. A surgeon who is rested, relaxed and focused will be optimally prepared to perform the operation.
This principle applies equally to the mechanic who services your car, the teacher who teaches your children, your family doctor, dentist, plumber, bus-driver and all situations where you entrust another with something that really matters.
People in any profession who do not take good care of themselves are increasing their risk of making mistakes in their work and in their life. Sports team managers the world over want their players to take good care of themselves for very practical reasons. Doing so often considerably increases a player's years of effective participation.
We accept that the people upon whom we depend need to practise self-care in their lives. People who take good care of themselves tend to receive more respect than those who do not.
We sometimes forget that we also may be very important to others, who will want and need us to take good care of ourselves. Furthermore, we are very dependent on ourselves, whether we realise this or not.
We are always involved in every action and interaction in our lives, the outcomes of which depends to a considerable extent on ourselves. For all these reasons, we too need and deserve to take good care of ourselves.
Prior to take-off, the air stewards go through their safety routine, including advice regarding oxygen masks, should cabin air pressure drop. The stewards always stress that adults with children must ensure they put their own oxygen mask on before attending to their children.
Parents might instinctively look after their children first. The kids will then be fine, but the parent may slip into unconsciousness and die before they have had time to put on their own oxygen masks.
Every time I witness this flight safety procedure, I am struck by this stark example of a fundamental truth - to properly attend to others, one needs to take good care of one's self.
The spectrum of self-care varies considerably. Within the range of self-care from one extreme to the other, the optimum state of balance is within the middle ground, with sufficient flexibility to flow along the spectrum towards either pole when a situation so requires, then gently returning to the equilibrium of the middle ground.
Living mostly towards either end of the spectrum leads to problems. It often isn't sufficient to expect that others will always take care of us, or to totally devote ourselves to taking care of others.
Doing either diminishes the quality of our contact with others and inhibits the growth and independence of both ourselves and those around us.
Some people are always taking care of others, often at their own expense. Living an utterly selfless life may work for some.
I have worked with many people whose attention is always focused on the needs of others, frequently missing out on the joy of receiving.
Generous literally to a fault, they rarely express their needs, often only occasionally noticing they have them. They believe that their needs matter little, sometimes despite encouragement from others to look after themselves, at times blocking the efforts of others to care for them. Their wellbeing suffers as a consequence, and they frequently experience loneliness.
Alternatively, some people go through life taking care only of themselves. They tend to do so at the expense of the needs and care of others, at times ensuring that others become preoccupied with taking care of them too. They often unwittingly build concrete-like walls between themselves and others. Their relationships tend to be tension-filled, lacking real closeness and intimacy.
They lose out on key human needs such as close, loving relationships and the heart-lifting experience of giving as well as receiving.
Our children are often more influenced by what we do than what we say. If we want them to take good care of themselves, let us mirror this quality by being a living example of balanced self-care.
This entails being gently aware of yourself and your needs in the various situations and interactions you encounter.
Balanced self-care means acknowledging the reality that you are present within every contact you make with others, that the person who most intimately accompanies you every step of your life journey from birth to death, is you.
Dr Terry Lynch is a pyschotherapist, GP in Limerick and author of Beyond Prozac