There is a widespread belief that people skills come naturally. If you are not born with the ability to relate well, you are disadvantaged for life. This is simply not true.
Training in life skills can teach people how to feel at ease and comfortable in social situations that they once found uncomfortable and embarrassing.
Positive interpersonal relationship skills are a component of emotional intelligence. A person can learn how to establish rapport and cultivate friendly relations in social, professional and family situations.
The ability to engage in meaningful social interchanges is a particularly useful skill for those involved in selling. Author Sue Knight writes: "Most business decisions are made on the basis of rapport rather than technical merit."
In many professions, managers are expected to entertain customers. For most, these are pleasant occasions that they enjoy. For a minority, it is a nightmare experience that was never included in their job description.
Entertaining is not enjoyable for those who feel uncomfortable when others let their hair down. People who lack the desire or the inclination to be frivolous find no enjoyment in the shenanigans of companions whose alcohol-fuelled fun they regard as silly and unbecoming.
In every organisation there are the extroverts who love functions and the introverts who socialise in their own quiet way.
For example, John is genuinely interested in others. He enjoys mingling and is at ease in mixing socially.
He obviously takes pleasure in what colleagues regard as small talk. John is naturally extrovert with a great ability to initiate and maintain conversations with all age groups. People respond positively to his gregarious personality. Customers and co-workers like him because he shows he is interested in them.
His colleague Carol hates professional functions, never mixes socially with her colleagues and puts in only a brief appearance at the Christmas bash because it's expected that everyone will attend. Others see her as cold, interested only in her own little world.
It is a myth that everyone loves parties. They don't. People like Carol, who dread the obligatory appearance at the office party, find it hard to socialise.
It's difficult for colleagues to be in the company of a person who lacks social skills and acts like she doesn't fit in
Many of us know people like Carol. It's obvious when someone feels out of place in social situations. She looks uncomfortable and ill at ease. You try to talk to her but she has nothing to say.
You feel embarrassed and trapped. Your facial expression mirrors the desire to escape. Your friends see the expression of "How do I get out of here?" on your face. They come over to rescue you.
Carol fails to acknowledge their presence or even smile a greeting. Her body language reflects the stress of her efforts to appear jolly. A person may play the role of having a good time but the lack of sincerity shows.
When a senior person in an organisation lacks social skills it is particularly difficult.
Rarely are socially inept people in senior positions aware of the full extent of the negative impact they have on their colleagues or staff morale.
Everyone is aware when a person relates badly and turns colleagues off - except the offending party.
The inability to engage in socially meaningful exchanges is a drawback that has huge implications in work and family life.
We communicate by what is spoken and unspoken, by how we look and by what we do and don't do. The greater part of our communication is unspoken. Non-verbal signals and body language are more important than words.
People like Carol are not skilled at picking up non-verbal cues. She can be aware that she has difficulties relating. She may wrongly assume that it is what she says, and not how she says it, that creates the problem.
Psychologists Samuel Turner and Deborah Beidel devised the Social Effectiveness Training programme to teach people interpersonal skills. Carol can improve her people skills very quickly.
With training she can unlock the ability to cope easily and elegantly in social situations.
With practise Carol will develop people skills, grow in confidence and feel at ease in every social situation.
Carmel Wynne is a life skills and business success coach, author of Coaching - The Key to Unlocking Your Potential, a master practitioner in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and a psychotherapist - web: www.carmelwynne.org