The tricky decision on when to send a child to school is always an individual choice, writes DAVID COLEMAN.
MY DAUGHTER, an only child, is four at the end of March. The local national school wants to know whether she is going to start school this September. She has been minded at home since birth by her immediate family – usually myself or her grandmothers.
She started playschool, situated on the national school site, last September. She goes there three mornings a week. I have asked the playschool teachers what they think, and they say that right now she probably would not be ready, but that by September she might well be.
She is very articulate, has a huge imagination and is good at puzzles and play-acting. She does not socialise much with children her own age and tends to play alone at playschool, with no special friend, but will follow direction from teachers. Should I wait until next year, or should I let her start school this September?
FOUR-AND-a-half is a very tricky age to decide about starting school. If a child is closer to four then I’d almost certainly say wait until five, and when they’re very close to five it’s usually not a bad idea to let them start even before their fifth birthday. However, it is always an individual choice, and you are right to look for opinions about how other people think she is coping.
Sometimes smaller local national schools are keen to have pupils enrolled to ensure their numbers, so they don’t lose teachers.
Equally, some schools will be very clear that they expect a certain level of maturity in children before they start.
I think you should talk some more to the principal and teacher about how the reception class operates. If their approach is similar to the preschool (quite possible, given they share a campus), then it may be a very straightforward transition your daughter can cope with this September. If they feel it is a big jump, socially or academically, then give your daughter the benefit of the doubt and wait.
You will be best placed to make the decision about school for your daughter, because you know her best. So if at all possible, wait until the last moment to decide – that gives you, her teachers and your daughter more information about her likely capacity to cope.
OUR DAUGHTER was born in September 2004. Her historical problem was bowel movements. The issue was initially raised with our GP, who referred us to a specialist.
After minor surgery and regular use of medication, the problem has been resolved. The final hurdle is trying to get our daughter to use the toilet. It is very traumatic for her to do this, despite our efforts.
All of her bowel movements occur while she stands behind curtains. Can you recommend any advice, or indeed any professional that we can see?
IT IS interesting that you use the word “traumatic”, because trauma also springs to my mind. What isn’t clear, however, is the source of the trauma. Perhaps the issues are about pain associated with pooing; perhaps she feels some kind of shame or hurt about her body due to the necessary treatment and intervention.
It is this uncertainty about why she is so distressed over using the toilet (given that, in theory, the pooing issues are resolved) that I think warrants further professional help. Ideally, you are looking for someone to help her make sense of those feelings. You sound like you’d like clear direction about what you can do or say to help.
Learning to use a toilet is quite a large developmental step for a child. Gaining control over their bowel and bladder brings terrific confidence.
So, whatever steps you take with the guidance of a professional, I would recommend that you go slowly and match things to her pace. I would imagine she will need continued patience, reassurance and empathy regarding whatever feelings remain.
I would guess that a play-based therapeutic approach with your daughter individually, to help her explore and make sense of her feelings about the toilet, is a good way to go. Hopefully the therapist can also give you guidance about how you, personally, can approach the issue.
Your local HSE Health Centre should advise you about their own child psychological services, and should their waiting list be too long, they may be able to recommend local private practitioners (psychologists, psychotherapists or play therapists) working with children.
Alternatively, the Psychological Society of Ireland lists its registered psychologists on its website, psihq.ie, and this is a further source of qualified private practitioners.
- David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television. His new series, Teens in the Wild, started last night on RTÉ One
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com