I felt a failure: I could do nothing

Lorcan O'Toole's wife, June, who is chairwoman of the Miscarriage Association of Ireland, suffered two miscarriages

Lorcan O'Toole's wife, June, who is chairwoman of the Miscarriage Association of Ireland, suffered two miscarriages. He says that men often suffer in silence, but that it is a combination of being forgotten and, partly, hiding.

"I think that for many men they feel that, quite rightly, attention is mostly centred on their partner and they almost feel guilty at the thought of receiving sympathy," he says.

"Men are somewhat overlooked in it because it is seen generally as a woman's problem."

O'Toole says that his reaction to June's miscarriages varied widely.

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"The first one was fairly early and to me it was a purely medical matter. I didn't suffer any trauma, I didn't suffer any grief. I didn't go through any of these terrible emotions like I did on the second one," he says. But the second miscarriage occurred quite late in the pregnancy. And it was different, he says.

"I went though all the same concern and anxieties and stress with the second one but it was totally transformed when I actually saw the baby. It went from a situation of a medical matter to literally having a death on my hands.

"I had a tiny dead infant in my hands and it was only then that the reality of what we had lost became real for me."

Unsure of what his role was, O'Toole says he felt helpless and totally useless.

"There was nothing I could actually do. This was a situation I couldn't make better. I couldn't sort this out. I felt a failure. Every negative emotion you could imagine was going on in my head.

"I think I'm a fairly typical male in some respects. I wasn't used to confronting major emotions. I would keep a calm cool exterior but there was so much going on here, I couldn't cope with it."

Eventually, the emotions bubbled to the surface, he says.

"Certainly to this day I am not one who would cry in public but yet at that time and shortly afterwards I found myself bursting into tears without warning."

Being open about the tragedy helped to ease his sense of loss, he says.

"I didn't talk about it for a long time. It happened years ago but I am only talking about it now."