ASK THE EXPERT:A mother with terminal cancer is writing future letters to her children and leaving photographs and huggy blankets to cuddle when they think of her, writes DAVID COLEMAN
I AM a very happy person. Unfortunately I have been battling illness for eight years and recently I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I will be very lucky to live another two years and that is my goal but, more realistically, I think 10 months is about right.
Our children are five and three and I am working very hard to give them good memories of me in our daily lives. I am going through chemotherapy at the moment and this is not causing anxiety for the children as they have seen me become well again in the past.
They are impatient though, and have asked me “Are you nearly better mammy?” I usually reply “I know! It’s taking ages. Isn’t it?” I intend to keep up this outward optimism until closer to the end. Do you think this is the right way? How do we tell them that their mother is going to die? Is there a way that will give them some preparation?
I am writing them letters to be opened at each birthday after I am gone. Because they are so young I want to have an influence on them even if I am not near them. I am making them a hugging blanket. The idea is that they will wrap it around them when they miss me and need a hug. I will give these to them soon and explain that I am sewing all of my love inside. There is also a photo album with the stories of the pictures and a diary of my views on their personalities.
When I list it all out here it seems that I am doing a lot but I am afraid that I may be missing something very obvious or maybe I am doing too much?
I have asked my husband to make sure that he does not leave their sides at the funeral. I always assumed that they would go so that they could have some sense of closure. Should they go to the funeral?
Your situation sounds like it should be tragic and yet you express things with such clarity and love for your family that the tragedy seems to be held at arm’s length. Your children are lucky that you are investing so much in the preparation for your death.
You ask many questions and so I will try to respond to each one. I will start at the end, if I may. Yes I think it would be good for your children to have the option of attending your funeral. There is a finality to funerals, even more so to burials, that can be really helpful for children to understand more of the reality of death and its permanence. This is helpful in the grieving process.
However, some children are very clear that they do not want to go and so to force them to attend may do more harm than good. Your husband will have to make a judgment at the time.
If they do go then it would be fantastic for your husband to be available to them, both physically and emotionally.
He might need help to achieve this and so perhaps some of your extended family could be on hand for him, while he is on hand for your children.
I think you should hold firm with your optimistic outlook for the children. They will find it hard to come to terms with your sickness being so bad that you won’t recover and so it will be easier for them if they are exposed to this reality for a shorter period.
But, there will come a point when you do have to prepare them for the fact that you won’t recover this time. I think you should tell your children that you are going to die as simply and straightforwardly as possible. The plainer you are, the easier it is for them to begin to understand. So try to avoid euphemisms as much as possible. For example, talk about “dying” rather than “passing away”, or “going to live with the angels”.
Do make sure you tell them with enough time for you and their dad to respond to any questions, fear, sadness or confusion that might emerge. Also make a point of returning to the subject of death every so often so it’s clear that this is something you are always willing to help them with.
It is a lovely idea to prepare a hugging blanket for them. This is a very practical and useful thing to have, to help them in the period after you die, until they begin to accommodate to you being gone. In your absence, it represents, for your child, an element of the security which you yourself offer them currently. So the notion of being able to wrap themselves up in your love and comfort and your safety is great and may ease the hurt and sadness they are likely to feel when you are not there.
It is good too that they will have these blankets before they hear of the inevitability of your death, as that gives the blankets a chance to be associated with positive and secure times.
You might also like to leave a written record of your beliefs, values and morals as these might prove to be a real benefit to your husband in the years to come if he wants to be able to reference how you think and feel about the range of dilemmas (such as late nights out, sex, access to phones, and so on) that we parents eventually have to face.
Your e-mail has really touched my heart and I wish you, your husband and your two children all of life’s blessings now and into the future.
Image was posed by a model.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. E-mail questions to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com