The Bigger Picture: You owe me nothing. You might feel you do, but you don't. In our market-driven, profit-mad world, this idea of "owing" has taken on a whole new connotation. It has become the opposite of having advantage. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, however, this makes no sense.
Today, much of what we are given on a day-to-day basis has strings attached. An obvious example is promotional vouchers. We each now regularly receive free gifts and coupons.
The real intention behind this is that we will buy more of a product we never would have bought in the first place, and benefit others in return in a much more practical and tangible way than they ever gave to us. In the end, a tiny few make more profit while we consume more than we ever wanted or needed, and usually of something that's of no real use in the first place.
Within this market culture, we also find the competitive dynamic of trying to "beat out everyone else". As a result, we meet people whose motivation for giving to us is based in trying to manipulate a return. We feel we "owe" them something, and they agree. In this scenario, the incredibly important concept of "give and take" becomes promoted in an abused sort of way.
We all need assistance. This is not a flaw in our character or a momentary weakness on our part. It is a natural fact. To receive from others is a requirement for survival, and living in general. So too, then, is giving.
It is essential to our being that we share and be helpful. We are not doing "favours" for each other, or anything we need to be paid back for in return. It is a simple part of being human. Indeed, there is a very deep level at which it hurts us deeply when we have amassed too much while those around us go without enough.
Few people consider this anymore. Rather, our goals are focused on gaining a false sense of "feeling good about ourselves" precisely from having more when those nearby are struggling.
One of the greatest inhumanities we have nurtured in this society is the practice of becoming numb to each other's needs. We ignore our interconnectedness which, in turn, warps our priorities. By doing so, we hurt ourselves a thousand times more in the long run than could have ever been imagined at the moment.
It is even more ironic that, in today's society, those of us who give freely of ourselves can be made to feel exploited - as if someone is taking from us that which needed accounting for, and we have ended up "less" as a result.
People around us who are cautious and defensive against others benefiting will warn us that we are naive, as if the problem lies with those who give rather than those who struggle to give.
In truth, the difficulty is that we have been encouraged to become guarded and closed. We have developed a society where the mass pre-occupation is with how much you can take from someone else - that is, "maximising your profit". People who do this are considered "smart", the consequences "successful".
In actual fact, taking of the labour of others without similarly labouring for others is a weakness - a laziness that breeds greed.
The use of the word "labour" here is of paramount importance. To exert our effort - physically, mentally and emotionally - involves us completely in what it is to be human. Through work, we share ourselves with others.
It does not have the same impact when our objective is to solicit a greater amount of resources in return, the bulk of which we intend to dispose of on ourselves, even if we might later choose to charitably return some of what we took to those we took it from in the first place.
This is not "giving" in any way that is essential to our being and profound to living itself. Rather, it exercises a personal control over resources and a hyper-developed sense of one's own importance.
Again, the word "labour" rings out clearly with meaning. Probably the greatest baggage we carry around "owing"and "giving" is with those who are closest to us, in particular, the parent-child relationship. Although countless parents will speak of what their children "owe" them, there is in fact nothing more significant than sharing love.
Parents often forget to appreciate (let alone count) the number of great lessons, solid perspectives and acts of love our children give us.
Indeed, it is our job to raise children who are secure and generous, and we can only do this if we find it in ourselves.
And so, again, I say, "You owe me nothing." Only by giving can we really achieve and feel fulfilled. It is our life's work to be challenged and move forth without fears of being exploited or left behind.
The change we need in the world is not to be more limited and give less, but to express ourselves much, much more.