The Bigger PictureBeing brave isn't about having no fear. Rather, what makes us brave is often the fact that we were very afraid and acted anyway. It is difficult to take action when we are afraid because it is so difficult to think when we are frightened. Understanding this can be the key to understanding fear, writes Shalini Sinha
When we are shocked or traumatised, our thinking seizes up. If we never recover a sense of power (be it within seconds, months or years), our thinking in that area remains frozen.
The thoughts we do have running around in our heads are often not rational, but ones that replay the original fear. They are distorted perspectives that appear rational only because of how able they are at justifying themselves - "I'm just not the kind of person who would/could do that" or "I will never get over this anyway so there's no point trying".
As a result, our fear diverts us so that we continue reacting to situations and don't get the opportunity to take new actions that would reflect the direction we really want for ourselves.
We get frightened when we are confronted by something that looks able to overpower us. Alongside this is usually a feeling of isolation. Human beings rely not only on our own resources to survive, but also the resources we give and receive from our relationships.
Thus, we would feel completely outnumbered by both the resources we could provide ourselves and the resources of those who would protect or stand by us.
For example, what takes our power away, genuinely, is the threat of violence. Except for the fear of being hurt - or others that we love being hurt - nothing else can really stop us from doing anything. These hurts can come in various ways - an example of a psychological hurt is rejection.
Another is creating a myth that we are bad, and having others buy into it. These are hurtful things.
Unless we recover our sense of connection and support, even when the fearful situation changes, the fear will linger within us. Over time, it amplifies. Ultimately, we feel genuinely powerless to it, with the isolation distorting our perspective.
It may be hard to believe it, but we are rarely powerless in our lives. Rather, the moments when our power is truly threatened are immediate, temporary, and always pass.
Part of what makes bravery possible is breaking the isolation. This is how we recover our own power. Breaking isolation does not mean having someone else doing something for you (taking over or taking the care away).
It happens, simply, when someone understands how we feel. That is all. We cannot underestimate the power of empathy and effective listening. It has the ability to diminish any struggle, recover power, and literally change the direction of the world.
When we are in fear, and we act in accordance with the fear, our power continues to be eroded. Bravery occurs at that moment when we take action in the direction that increases our personal power, thus reflecting what is not hurtful to us or others and is creative rather than destructive.
In this way, bravery is an expression of our humanity.
Human beings are vulnerable, but not fragile. It takes a lot to kill us, although it takes very little to hurt us. We can, and indeed are meant to, recover from all our hurts.
They are temporary, and when they have been overcome, add great value to our lives by increasing our empathy, hopefulness, wisdom and knowledge.
Sometimes we are brave because we are facing things we cannot see, and sometimes we are brave because we are willing to face what we can see right in front of us. There are times when our struggle for courage is simply to do what we know we must, when our actions would make things right with the world, even if it appears that we might lose in the process. Somehow, the hurt that ensues when we make things right also often has a purpose.
Finally, it's important to remember that while many people don't look scared, most people are. Most of us never show on the outside all the signs of fear we feel.
Remembering this gives us licence to continue to act despite our fears, realising that most people don't know the difference. On the other hand, if you clearly look frightened while taking action, the fact of your action makes your bravery and internal strength that much more obvious.
Still, some people seem numb. They continue to act and simply don't register what feelings might lurk beneath. If you see this and think it is a greater strength, know this: I would never wish it for myself.
When we are numb, our empathy, awareness and insight are lessened. It is through our sensitivities that understanding and wisdom grow.
Embodying strength isn't the same thing as feeling invincible. Rather, it is by experiencing our vulnerabilities and continuing to move forward in life-affirming ways that we can grow a solid core.
www.shalinisinha.com