One teenanger worries that he's addicted to drink before he's even tried it; another has attempted suicide. Children of alcoholic parents talk about their experiences to Nadine O'Regan
Sarah is too embarrassed to bring people home. James knows he should visit his mother, but he finds it helps him not to. Christopher can't figure out why his mum is so nasty to him. Fifteen years old, he has already tried to kill himself.
These are just some of the teenagers who attend Alateen, the voluntary organisation which aims to help young people cope with alcoholic relatives.
James, Sarah and Christopher come to Alateen meetings to talk about issues that they cannot discuss with their parents or friends. They come to share problems, meet people in the same situation as them and learn from the Alateen Twelve Steps programme.
An outsider might think these meetings would be grim affairs, laden down with heartrending stories of struggle and strife. But at the open meeting which I attend on a cold Thursday night, the atmosphere is positive, welcoming and hugely affirming.
There are six Alateen members present, along with three screened sponsors from the parent group Al-Anon. Two of these are required to be here to supervise the meeting.
The scheduled hour passes quickly. There are jokes and laughter, and many stories too. Some people talk about everyday events, others relate small problems before divulging more serious troubles. As one person speaks, the rest remain attentive and tacitly supportive. Often, they seem to be learning from each other.
"The whole point of the programme is to try to get people to help themselves," says Colette, an Al-Anon member and Alateen sponsor. "And to realise that they can't cure the alcoholic. We went around the room one night and I asked them if they liked themselves. Not one of them did. They blame themselves for someone else's drinking. Their self-esteem goes. You're trying all the time to give them a boost."
This is crucial for teenagers with alcoholic relatives who drink, but it is also important for teenagers with alcoholic family members who are now sober. These children often pass under the radar of conventional support systems, but they frequently need help just as much. Christopher knows this from experience.
"You're still affected," he says. "My Mam was always mean to us, and it was because of my Dad drinking - because she was always thinking about it. But when he stopped his behaviour, she kept acting as though he still drank."
"You would be surprised at how much it affects children," Colette says, "even if they were very young at the time. Children always learn from what they see. A lot of the kids had debs recently and they told me that they had nine drinks over the course of the evening. They think that's normal.
"There's a strong risk of a child with alcoholic parents becoming an alcoholic," she adds. The thought of this bothers 15-year-old James a lot.
"I worry that I'm addicted to drink before I even have any of it," he says. "That's why I've always said to my Dad [his non-alcoholic parent] that I'm going to stay off alcohol as much as I can, and just drink it on special occasions.
"I feel that I've got a bit of an influence on my friends too by not drinking. Whenever I don't drink they don't drink. It's like they feel that there's no point."
At 14, Sarah is struggling between wanting to drink with her friends and knowing first-hand the havoc that alcohol can wreak.
"I used to drink every Friday night," she says, "but then my Mam caught me and she said that she never wanted me to be drinking, that it was hard enough for her that my Dad drinks. And you know how you feel when you're upset because your Dad is drinking. You can't go off and do the same thing."
Sarah's father hates the fact that she attends Alateen meetings. "He'll say that I'm not allowed go because he's not an alcoholic," she says. "And I don't want to say that he is, so my Mam says it for me. He says: 'You're talking about me behind my back, and everyone thinks I'm a bad parent'. He just wants me not to go. But I still will because the meetings help me."
The same is true for many other young people around the globe. According to one Alateen survey, there were 2,696 Alateen groups worldwide in 1999.
Newcomers are advised to attend at least six meetings before deciding whether or not Alateen is the place for them. It takes time for the teenagers to get used to discussing something they are used to hiding. Even James, who has been a contented member of Alateen for four years now, says he hated it the first time he came.
In addition, there is a spiritual dimension to some of the Alateen guidelines which teenagers may find off-putting. But the sponsors - and the teenagers themselves - are quick to point out that Alateen members do not need to hold any religious beliefs in order to attend the meetings. Spirituality is simply one facet of Alateen that can be accepted or disregarded.
THERE are currently 12 Alateen groups in the country. The numbers attending each meeting rise and fall, but are often lower than the sponsors would hope for. Because of the stigma, or their own problems with denial, or the inconvenience, most parents living in alcoholic homes are not bringing their children to these meetings. Listening to the teenagers speak tonight, this seems like a terrible shame.
As Sarah says: "You have everything on your mind and then you come here and you get everything off your chest. You come out of this room and you feel really happy. My Mam always says she sees a real difference in me. You can just put it all behind you."
- Some names have been changed to protect identity. In accordance with Alateen policy, nothing that was said in the meeting attended by Nadine O'Regan has been quoted or related in this article.
- For further information about Alateen, contact the Family Groups Information Centre, 5 Capel Street, Dublin 1. Tel: 01-8732699