Although some children will always be more reserved than others, their confidence will grow with a little help, writes EMMA CULLINAN.
I WAS recently at a large Sunday lunch, where adults, teens and children were all chatting away and in the midst of them all was a 10-year-old boy who sat in absolute silence. Attempts to bring him into the conversation were met with one-word answers.
His granny told me afterwards that his parents were worried but didn’t know what to do: they didn’t want to get him professional help and have their adored son believe he had a problem and they were loathe to push him into a drama group and terrify him.
Yet they realised that, as he was about to start secondary school, it could affect his whole social life and acceptance by classmates.
“You can’t suddenly make a shyer child into an extrovert but it is possible to change them to a certain extent,” says psychologist Delia Young, based in Cumbria.
“You have got the nature/nurture thing here. Part of somebody’s shyness will be genetic but when a child is lacking in confidence, you can give them behavioural help.”
When people consult Dr Deirdre MacCarvill, a Dublin-based psychologist working as a life coach with parents and children, about lack of confidence she will find out whether something has triggered the behaviour. “It is important to establish whether a child is naturally shy or if something specific has happened.
“I saw one child who became extremely withdrawn and was reluctant to go on play dates or to parties and it turned out that it was because he was in a friend’s car and the mother got out to talk to someone. Her baby climbed out of the baby seat and the child became convinced that the baby would turn on the engine, drive off and crash the car.
“After that he refused to go out with anyone else. Other incidents include getting lost in a department store or a bullying incident. The child feels that they hadn’t got the tools to cope with the situation, so believe that they can’t do that and therefore avoid it.”
She suggests talking to children about times when they felt they couldn’t cope and discuss how they might have dealt with the situation. “Talk with them about little scenarios, perhaps in school, when they were stumped and say, ‘have you thought of trying this?’”
So, whatever has caused the shyness, children need to be given the tools to cope. And building up confidence is a long process.
“Try not to push a shy child into too much at one time,” says Young, who suggests that you create a safe environment for your child to grow in.
“If your child is shy or reserved about speaking to adults, invite an adult around for tea and prime them to ask the child about something they have done recently, such as playing the recorder or doing sport.
“This way the adult comes to the child and makes the child feel safe. You are trying to get them to feel more confident about their behaviour by identifying things that they have achieved, but you can’t expect a child who lacks confidence to instigate a conversation,” says MacCarvill.
“It is massively about practice – in a safe situation. Just as you have to practise reading and maths, social skills have to be practised. Whereas a parent might get a child to read they don’t think about teaching them to talk about themselves.
“Parents will look at a child’s achievements in maths and English and talk to them about school work but they also need to encourage them to talk about what they are interested in.”
And what if that helpful friend or relative primes a child to speak and is met with monosyllabic answers? “I’ve had clients give one-word answers,” says Young, “and you need to be patient with them. Rather than have a conversation directly about the child, instead get a book and get them to talk about that.”
MacCarvill also feels practice is important: “You are trying to give a child the tools to get courage and cope with moving out into the world. You can build this up with little successes. While letting them know that you are behind them, encourage them maybe to answer the door, deal with phone calls and, when you go into a shop, get them to pay. This way you build up experiences in strange situations with people they are not completely familiar with.”
One way to get children to engage with the world is to include them in family activities, says MacCarvill. “Getting them involved in the ebb and flow of family tasks are core to building up a child’s self-esteem and ability to manage. The way to cope with the outside world is to be able to take care of themselves and they can practise this in the safety of their home and also by running to the shop on a errand to give them the opportunity to explore the outside world with a safety net around them.”
While putting a child on the stage – through a drama course – could help to bring them out of themselves, you should only do this if your child is actually interested in drama, says Young, who refers to pushing someone too far too fast as a ‘kill-or-cure method’, and such approaches don’t work, she says.
Just as the best way to build up confidence is slowly and consistently, you can approach drama by playing charades at home first, she says, to get them used to it.
Drama can help if, for instance, a child becomes more animated in an acting role: “If they can become another person when they act then they can become another person in a social situation.”
Both Young and MacCarvill agree that a gradual approach is best, building on successes, and MacCarvill says that exasperation with a child’s lack of progress is damaging. “I discourage parents from berating a child. For instance, if you are out with your child and see a group of their friends and your child hesitates, a parent should not force the situation by becoming impatient and telling them to go over, with the words, ‘what is wrong with you?’. Step back: the more you push the more they will resist because they believe that they can’t do something.
“There is no doubt that some people are naturally more reserved than others and no matter how much coaching they have they will always hesitate. It is about accepting what you have and making the best of it.
“I have seen the benefits when parents take control and start to encourage their child. Children do blossom; they get the confidence and with more confidence comes more success.”
Don't be too shy to try: top tips
- Build up confidence slowly: encourage your child to answer the phone and pay for something in a shop, while you stay close by.
- Build on small successes and keep going.
- Discuss situations in which your child found it hard to cope and suggest how they could have dealt with it.
- Encourage adult friends or family to speak to your child about things that they have done – don’t expect the child to start the conversation.
- Don’t berate your child if they seize up in a social situation.
- Find out if an actual event has triggered the shyness.
- Accept that some people are more reserved than others and build on what you have.
- Try not to become anxious about the situation; your child will pick up on that and become more anxious themselves.