Dance videos can be a way of getting toned up without trips to the gym, writes LAURA SLATTERY.
‘STEP STEP, cha cha cha,” Erin Boag barks her all-too-familiar orders from the telly: “Get ready for your Cubans!” Karen Hardy, her fellow Strictly Come Dancing professional, winks at viewers that if they’re “really enjoying” their hip rolls, to “make sure your neighbours aren’t watching”. Indeed. It’s Strictly Come Dancersize, live from your living room.
“Learn to dance, feel great, lose weight,” is the tagline of this sparkly fitness DVD, a fabulous piece of spin-off merchandise from the BBC show that’s been loading and ejecting from my DVD player for more than a year now. But, like any form of exercise, it has become boring with repetition, and once exciting choreography has, to borrow a Strictly judge’s putdown, become “D-U-L-L, dull”.
Luckily, with each passing Christmas, a whole new batch of get-fit, burn-fat, be-a-whole-new-you DVDs emerge from the creative minds of minor celebrities, eager to declare to the world how much more deserving of your love they are now that they’ve toned their bum.
So, in the interest of generating those lovely post-exercise endorphins in a manner that is weather-proof, cheaper than joining a gym and not dependent on other people, I’ve stocked up on a selection of recent dance-related offerings to see if they’re worth a shimmy or two.
Denise Van Outen Pure Dance Workout *
Like Cyndi Lauper, ex-ladette Denise just wants to have fun. Except she also wants her workout to “sort out the bits of my body that get out of shape sometimes, like my tum, legs, bum, hips and arms”. Hmmm, that’s quite a lot of bits. It’s already not sounding like fun.
Denise and her posse of alleged “mates” have an annoying predilection for head and neck movements, which takes your gaze away from the screen and makes the aerobically lacklustre steps difficult to learn.
Things improve with the voguing section, when you are given the all-too-rare opportunity to recreate the gay nightclub dance popularised by the Madonna song Vogue.
The jerky limb movements are tough on the arms or, as Denise says, it’s “bye to bingo wings forever”.
Points are naturally subtracted for use of the flesh-phobic phrase "bingo wings" and the way in which Denise, who played Roxie Hart in a Broadway production of Chicago, insists on passing herself off as the girl next door. But the oddest thing of all is the choice of Amy Winehouse's funereal Back to Blackto soundtrack the cool-down routine. This song is designed to accompany broken-hearted sobbing, not stretching your hamstrings: so much for those happy endorphins.
Coleen Nolan’s Disco Burn ***
Next up we have Coleen Nolan of The Nolans fame, who you may remember from such hits as I’m In the Mood for Dancing and . . . um . . . yes, that one.
Coleen is very much in the mood for dancing, having "danced off another two stone", but it doesn't look like there will be much romancing with her fitness coach Mikey, if only because Coleen, as Loose Womenand Dancing on Icewatchers will know, is more or less happily married to Ray.
Mikey leads us through the steps, which are never more than 30 seconds away from his signature move, the “funky squat”.
Coleen looks a bit sheepish, as if she'd much rather be doing something else. But the music is inoffensively vintage disco – you will find yourself doing warm-up lunges to I Will Survive– while Mikey scores major bonus marks for using the word "Travolta" as a verb.
Sadly, after about 25 minutes of discotastic hip-pulsing and jiggly-squatting, the DVD flicks on to a “conditioning burn” and “core” floor moves snoozefest, which is all a bit too Yogilates to suffer through even in the name of research.
DVD extras include a lecture on nutrition.
Come on, Coleen.
Bollyrobics Dance Workout **
“Dance moves from Bollywood’s biggest hits are choreographed into a new kind of workout, combining co-ordination, strength and stamina with Asian sensuality,” says the blurb. A proper challenge, then, and one I can blame on my Caucasian genetic inheritance if I end up in a heap on the floor.
It starts well enough in the warm-up with knee lifts and shuffling side steps, and for one brief moment I am Freida Pinto from Slumdog Millionaire, dancing at the train station over the end credits. But the first routine, the "Maahi Ve", requires the alarmingly dextrous use of a silk veil, which you have to hurl and swish over your head and around your back.
My silk veil, however, is not a finely crafted Indian fabric, but a tattered old Accessorize shawl, and it takes down a low-hanging light shade in its wake.
It’s all much better when props are no longer required, but the balance between instruction and dancing isn’t right.
There’s an interminable step-by-step section, with the moves explained by an English language voice-over (“raise your hands as if lifting up the sky”), but then the dances themselves are over in a flash.
There must be a good Bollywood-inspired DVD out there, but this one’s a bit scary.
5 Step Fat Attack with Claire Richards from Steps ****
Claire, former lungs of the pop group described by Pete Waterman as “Abba on speed”, claims to have lost “five stone and five dress sizes” with the aid of dance coach Chris Laing, and it’s easy to see why.
Chris is so affable that you will instantly make your body do everything he says. When Chris says “travel”, you “travel” (do side steps). When Chris orders you to “ski” with him, you “ski” with Chris. It would just seem churlish not to. Unlike some other DVD-hawkers,
Claire looks like she’s really enjoying herself, and with three occasionally topless muscle men in combat trousers dancing in sync behind her, why wouldn’t she be?
The best part is the “Combat Manoeuvres” section, where Chris invites you to psyche him out and you almost end up kickboxing the telly. The punching and weaving and kicking (with optional grunting) are a nice contrast from the delicate Bollyrobics hand movements and get the blood pumping.
DVD extras include a touching interview with Claire as she talks about how she put on so much weight after Steps disbanded that people she knew didn’t recognise her anymore. “This is all for you Claire!” Chris shouts toward the end of a sweaty sequence: “All for you!”
Strictly Come Dancing - The Workout with Kelly and Flavia *****
And so it’s back to the beginning (a phrase fitness DVD users may come to loathe) with the latest Strictly DVD, this time brought to you by Strictly professional Flavia Cacace and former contestant Kelly Brook.
In truth, both this and its Strictly Come Dancersizepredecessor are a totally different proposition from the glorified aerobics that comprise other "dance" DVDs. This one actually teaches you real ballroom and Latin steps, albeit ones that you will perform partnerless over a restricted radius and (presumably) with fewer sequins. The dances are more difficult to learn, requiring separate instruction sections and a lot more patience, but they're more rewarding too.
Celebrity-for-hire Kelly remains largely mute as Flavia guides us through the choreography for the salsa, tango, quickstep and slow and fast versions of the jive.
Like Karen Hardy, Flavia is evangelical about what jive kicks and flicks will do for your thighs and backside. The salsa routine, performed by Kelly, requires balance as well as hips that swivel. The tango, Flavia’s speciality, requires a chair. (Once again, props = trouble.)
But it is the quickstep routines that really feel like proper dancing.
Who cares about losing weight when someone is teaching you how to do Charleston steps, pendulum taps and diagonal chassez? I feel like Alesha Dixon, even if in reality John Sergeant would beat me in a dance-off.
Steps to take to make it fun
DO
Push the furniture away and make as big a floor space as possible: most DVDs won't respect the fact that your living room is the size of a cloakroom.
Remember that the instructors sometimes allow for the fact that you're facing opposite them, so don't worry if they're telling you to use your left leg but they're plainly using their right.
Pull the blinds down and lock the door.
If you wanted people to see you, you'd have signed up to a class.
Don't
Skip the warm-up and cool down sections, if only because the one thing common to all fitness DVDs is the dire warnings to complete them each time.
Give up. The steps might seem impossible to follow at first, but it will all come together with repeated viewings and the cunning use of the pause and rewind buttons.
Be a musical snob.
Be prepared to hear sentences such as "we're going to start the warm-up using this great Leona Lewis track".