DAVID COLEMAN ASK THE EXPERTCoping with bullying and its aftermath can be difficult for parents, particularly if it has been hidden from them
MY 10-YEAR-OLD daughter has been bullied for the past three years in school. We've only just found out and I am distraught. The school initially discovered the bullying and say they have taken steps to stop it. Why didn't my daughter tell me or my husband? I feel like I have really let her down. How can we best help her now?
It is an awful experience to realise that your child might have been holding a hurt, like being bullied, for so long without feeling able to talk to you about it.
Ultimately, though, you are not responsible for the fact that she was bullied. Be reassured that her decision not to tell you is normal and reflects many of the dynamics of bullying.
You don't say exactly what kind of bullying she experienced but no matter the kind - be it verbal, physical, exclusion or threats - she probably still feared it would get worse if she told.
Sometimes this can be part of the threat of the bully, sometimes it is just the belief that exists while in the state of powerlessness that many children who are bullied feel.
She might also have been trying to avoid upsetting you, believing it is better to try to cope with this on her own.
Also, children engage in magical thinking that includes a belief that their parents automatically know how they are thinking and feeling (thus their disappointment and frustration at times when we say or do things in opposition to their as-yet-unspoken thoughts!) and so sometimes they do not tell us things because they believe that we already know.
As you are realising, the most important thing now is to think about how you can support her in the future.
You have two main tasks - help her to understand her feelings about being bullied and give her strategies to help her avoid being bullied in the future or at least to come and seek help sooner if it does happen.
The first step is to open up a dialogue with her about the bullying. Talk to her about what was happening to her and how she felt about that. Bear in mind that 10-year-olds (even girls) are not always fully able to express their feelings.
You may need to suggest feelings that she might have had and then let her agree or disagree. Essentially you are trying to empathise with her about the experience.
This means you might have to withhold some judgments or criticisms about her actions or lack of them and about her apparent self-esteem or lack of it during the time of the bullying.
You need to put yourself into her shoes as much as possible and then simply acknowledge that this is how it was and this is how it felt.
Once you all have a good understanding of what was going on for her emotionally during that time, you can build some protective strategies for her in the future.
Most straightforwardly you can help her recognise the benefits she has already experienced since adults came to know about the bullying and, therefore, why it makes sense to look for help sooner rather than later.
Practically, you can explain to her that it wasn't her fault that she was bullied (many children feel guilty and that they brought the bullying on themselves in some way).
You can also advise her that there is no shame in avoiding a bully (ignoring and walking away are okay strategies to use).
Use role play with your daughter to teach her how to handle incidents that might arise, eg not showing you're bothered or upset by teasing, saying firmly you don't like it and walking away.
Help her to build her self-esteem. Essentially this is her view of her own self-worth. Usually we take on board others' judgments of ourselves, good or bad. When we start to believe all the negative judgments then we can get to a stage of believing we ourselves are no good - this is a point of poor self-esteem.
To raise self-esteem, you need to be specific in acknowledging your child's positive attributes, skills and interests.
You need also to encourage them to view these attributes positively themselves.
Classically you might use a phrase like: "you must be so proud of winning that race" rather than simply saying "I'm so proud of you for winning that race".
The first phrase encourages a positive self-judgment and the second, while still good, remains your judgment not hers.
There are other tips and strategies for raising self-esteem but I don't have space for them here. You can read more in most books about self-esteem. If you want to read more about bullying, a book I'd recommend about understanding and responding to bullying is The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystanderby Barbara Coloroso.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and the author of Parenting is Child's Play. He has also presented two series of Families in Trouble. He is currently working on a new series called 21st Century Child, the first episode of which was broadcast last night.
• Readers' queries are welcome but David Coleman regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.
Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie .