ASK THE EXPERT:Separated dad just does fun activities with kids at weekend and ex-wife says that is unfair, writes DAVID COLEMAN.
I AM a separated dad of a 10-year-old son and eight-year-old daughter. I only have access to see them at the weekends and I am wondering what is the best way for me to spend my time with them? I usually bring them to places like the local swimming pool or the cinema or bowling but my ex is now saying that I am trying to win their affection by always doing “cool” stuff with them. Should I stop bringing them places?
No, I don’t think you should stop bringing them places. You have them at the weekend and so if they don’t have school and you don’t have work then it makes sense to do activities with them.
What you are doing is also a typical dad thing – being task focused. Us dads are more likely to prefer doing things with our children rather than simply hanging out with them. Mams tend to be much better able to simply be with their children and not have a goal or task to achieve.
At the same time I can completely understand your ex-wife’s viewpoint. No doubt she takes responsibility for all of the daily chores and tasks involved in getting the children through a week of school, homework and any extra-curricular things they do.
She probably feels as if she is forever “working” with them, whether it is to get them organised and out in the morning or ensuring they focus on their homework. It may be the case that she doesn’t get to play with them. In contrast you seem to be forever playing with them, even though you might spend less time with them.
I could imagine that this might lead to jealousy and bitterness or a fear that you are going to have a better relationship with them because it is just based on fun. So there may be a tinge of this reflected in your ex-wife’s comment about “trying to win their affection by always doing ‘cool’ stuff with them”.
Of course the balancing of this shouldn’t be to stop you doing activities with your children; rather it should be to create equal opportunities for your ex-wife to have more “free” and fun time with the children.
She may not choose to do the same kind of activities with them but at least she will feel she can develop a relationship with them that is based on more relaxed and leisurely times.
Perhaps one way to facilitate this is for you to forgo some weekend visits so that your ex-wife can take that free time for herself and the children. You could seek to have the children for a mid-week visit instead.
This would also give you a chance to take on the less glamorous tasks of parenting like supervising homework and making sure chores get done. There may be practical difficulties with changing the access arrangements and hopefully it won’t interfere with any court directions. It may also be tricky to negotiate with your ex-wife depending on the level of conflict between you.
Although I do feel that if you can approach it from the perspective of wanting to create better balance and fairness in the parenting roles, then she is more likely to be receptive. Hopefully, a suggestion like mine will also show her that you are taking on board her comments.
With luck she will see that the suggested changes are supportive of her and respectful of both your needs getting met.
So, while you shouldn’t pull back from activities just because your ex-wife feels that you are buying off your children there are other good reasons not to just spend your time always doing “cool stuff”.
Your relationship with the children needs to be balanced in its own right too. That means that they need to have experience of you in activity and also in the down-time. There can be an unreality to a life that is just centred around fun and it is crucial for you and the children to continue to develop a real relationship.
It is also possible that by constantly doing fun things with your children you will set up unrealistic expectations about what you can offer. It may be that the current fun things will become tiresome and “samey” after a while and then your children might push for bigger kicks and greater excitement. If you can’t provide this then some resentment might build up on their part. So your task is to try to have a normal life with the children.
Have time when you all just hang out at your home while you are cooking food, cleaning clothes, making beds up and so on.
These are opportunities to engage them in these tasks of living and give you chances to offer real role-modelling of what being a father is all about.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ. His new series, Teens in the Wild, is running on Monday nights at 9.30pm on RTÉ 1
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.