ASK THE EXPERT:How a toddler might deal with betrayal and a new baby sister
MY WIFE gave birth to our daughter 10 weeks ago and since then our 18-month-old son's behaviour has changed. His behaviour before the birth was exemplary; he was a very kind, affectionate and fun little lad.
Due to the fact that my wife had an emergency Caesarean, she had to stay in hospital for five days. We feel that he is punishing her for staying away from him in that time. He seeks comfort from me (dad) all the time and rejects her attempts for comforting; reading to him, carrying him etc.
In the last three weeks, he has developed the habit of slapping. He slaps my wife predominately throughout the day, but occasionally he slaps me and the baby too. She changes her tone and tells him that slapping is bold and to go to the corner. She asks him is he sorry and he gives her a hug. But that doesn't seem to change anything long term as he could repeat it within five minutes.
In fact, he seems to have perfected the art of saying sorry, but not really understanding that slapping is bold. This rejection of her is breaking her heart and she is very upset about it.
His attitude definitely has changed since my wife went away and came back with a baby. How can we get through to him that his mother still loves him and that slapping is not acceptable?
I CAN IMAGINE that from your 18-month-old's point of view, his whole world has been turned upside down in the last 10 weeks.
From his perspective, he has experienced two very major traumas and it sounds as if he is trying to convey his unhappiness. For him the traumas are likely to have been the five-day separation from his mother (I'm guessing it was the longest separation he has had) and then being usurped by his little sister for the role of "centre of the known universe".
You surmise, probably quite rightly, that he is punishing his mother for staying away from him. That makes good sense to me. In fact, from his perspective he may even be feeling abandoned by his mother. This most likely leads to three main feelings: fear, betrayal and anger.
If the departure was sudden and the duration of separation unexpected then he may have been left with a lot of anxiety about whether he would ever see her again. That is a big deal for any of us, and especially an 18-month-old who is dealing with it on an instinctual level.
During the separation, he could no longer trust in her constant presence and her ability to comfort him. His rejection of his mother's attempts to comfort him now are most likely a behavioural sign of feeling betrayed.
A further layer to his experience was his mother returning and probably only being half available to him as her attention and time is necessarily taken up with his little sister. This is just frustrating for him and I would guess that his hitting out at his mother and occasionally at you and his sister are a signal of that frustration.
His world has changed; he wasn't ready for it and possibly doesn't like the new world order. It will take some time and understanding from you and your wife for him to adapt to the change and to cope with it.
Even though he seems very young to be able to talk rationally to you about the changes he has been faced with, empathy and consistency are what he needs. So, talk a lot about how hard it is when your mam leaves you, and how worrying it can be if you don't know when she is coming back.
Talk to him about the stress of having to share his space and his life with a new baby. Talk to him about the pain of the loss of the 100 per cent of your attention and how it can be really difficult to have to wait.
You need to deal with the slapping in a very understanding way. Give him a single clear verbal message that slapping is not allowed, and then move him out of reach of the person he has slapped. Sending him to a corner might only add to his sense of rejection, so be wary of using such a strategy.
You also need to make sure that you can then physically prevent him from hitting (perhaps by holding his forearms gently as you tell him that hitting is not allowed).
Don't worry either about getting him to show remorse. The most important thing is that he stops hitting. True remorse (backed up by a conscience) doesn't develop until adolescence. He can't yet understand the moral rights and wrongs of hitting out, and so for now it is simply about the behavioural messages you give him that the hitting isn't allowed.
When you get time you can engage with him in lots of positive ways; looking at his baby photos with him, reminding him of what a lovely baby he was and telling his little sister about how lucky she is to have such a great big brother.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster with RTÉ television. You can also listen to him on the Moncrieff Showevery Wednesday at 3.00pm on Newstalk 106-108