Grandparents miss out on a vital part of their lives if they fail to bond with their grandchildren, writes Sheila Wayman
LAST EASTER Monday Margaret Woods was phoned by her only daughter, Katherine, who lives on the other side of the world, to say she was in labour and heading to hospital.
It would only be a matter of hours before Woods and her husband, Denis, became grandparents. But as a 57-year-old manager of patents and licensing in Trinity College Dublin, she certainly did not identify with the stereotype of a "grey-haired old granny".
On being told of the pregnancy months earlier, she says: "I didn't like the prospect of being a grandmother, but I was thrilled at the idea that my daughter was going to have a child."
Katherine (30) met her husband, Ngamoana Parata, in the Pavillion bar in Trinity. He was over in Ireland to play rugby with Blackrock. They married two years ago, and have been living in Auckland since.
As they waited for news from the maternity hospital, Woods says, "I couldn't do anything." So she and Denis, who also have a younger son, David, set off from their home in Sandycove, Co Dublin, for a walk around the block, "faster than we've ever walked, both phones with us. We got home and still couldn't settle to anything.
"Then my phone rang and there was nothing on it, I said 'Hello, hello, hello,' and the next thing I heard was a baby crying and I just burst into tears. It was a most amazing thing and it was a lovely way to be told. I put the phone on speaker and Denis was beside me and the two of us listened to her crying for a few seconds and then Ngamoana came on and said everything had gone well."
It was a girl and they called her Claire.
Despite the inevitable sense of ageing, becoming a grandparent is one of life's great milestones. It's the start of a special relationship that intertwines three generations.
"I think it is a most wonderful time in our lives," says Kathleen Watkins, the wife of veteran broadcaster Gay Byrne. I had rung him for a few comments on grandparenthood but he immediately handed the phone over to Watkins.
She is clearly the expert - "I am the best granny in Ireland," she says with a laugh - and totally besotted with their four grandchildren, ranging in age from four years to 20 weeks.
"They bring us great joy and we have so much to give them. I find myself singing and dancing."
With one grandchild in Co Clare, and the other three in England, there is much to-ing and fro-ing. Known as "Nana Kit" to the little ones, while Byrne is "Ra-Ra," she says they "re-energise us". Her purse is often a bit emptier because when she sees cute little outfits, she can't resist buying them.
She will be on granny duty next month in London, when their daughter Suzy goes away with friends for a few days, to help their son-in-law with four-year-old Cian, two-year-old Sadhbh and five-month-old Saoirse. They are "beginning to talk with English accents", remarks Watkins. No danger of that for two-year-old Kate, the child of their other daughter, Crona, who lives in Killaloe. "Some people are not interested in grandchildren. We are all different," acknowledges Watkins, "but I can't understand that."
Woods could not wait to see her first grandchild. She had booked her flight to New Zealand for the day the baby was due, but since Claire was born a few days early, she was home one night before granny arrived.
She stayed for three weeks, helping with shopping, cooking and washing: "It was brilliant." Even though she knew Katherine and Ngamoana would be visiting Ireland in the summer with Claire, parting was still difficult.
"It was very hard to leave. Babies change so much, especially at the beginning. I think Katherine found it hard as well. We wanted to have a picture of the three generations, but we left it until the last day and we were all so teary there was no point in taking it."
Living nearly 12,000 miles away from their first grandchild, Woods and her husband make the most of new technology. At least once a week they talk to Katherine, using Skype and cameras on the computers to create a live video and audio link.
"One day Katherine put the computer on the floor and we could see Claire kicking on the floor. That's very special. It's not just a video, you're actually seeing her live. Can you imagine in the old days when people went to America and they were just getting a letter every three weeks?"
However, Skype has not been necessary for the past six weeks, as Katherine and Ngamoana are over on an extended visit, with Claire taking over the house, as babies do.
"When Katherine brought Claire into work," says Woods, "it was like I was showing off a new possession, everybody had to come and admire my grandchild. I am trying not to bore people, but I have done all the classic boring things: a photograph in my wallet, on my screensaver, as wallpaper on my telephone."
Claire's arrival has "completely changed" her relationship with Katherine. "Most mothers tend to view their children as children, in the silly 'Tidy your room', and 'What are you doing that for?' and 'Are you eating properly?' kind of way. I've noticed that I am definitely treating her now as a woman, much more.
"I would not do anything with the baby without asking her first. Obviously she has her own ideas about what she would like done, and I must respect that.
"I have been given instructions in how to hold the bottle and to wind her before I put her down," she says with a smile. "It's a complete reversal of roles."
The ground rules of non-interference by grandparents are recognised by the former Church of Ireland Archdeacon of Dublin, Gordon Linney, and his wife Helen, who have six grandchildren, ranging in age from 17 years down to one year.
"The older generation always think they did it better; that's a very human flaw and a real sign you are getting old," says the Venerable Linney (69). "For example, if a parent is disciplining a child, you might think you would not do it that way. But you musn't interfere because, to be honest, they are usually right. The parent knows the child better than the grandparent does."
He describes himself as on "permanent standby for emergencies" for his daughter Heather and her four children, Amy (seven), Shane (five) Christopher (three) and Aran (one), who live near his home in Glenageary, Co Dublin. He and Helen also have the children over for a meal once a week.
They see the two children of their other daughter, Susan, less often, as they live across the water in Essex. But they still enjoy a close relationship with the two teenage boys. Indeed, last October Grandad Linney headed off alone with Alex and Conor to Kenya for a safari.
"They were just at the right age, 14 and 16. That was a fabulous experience and we got on so well. We had a ball. That is the thing about being a grandparent, you can actually have fun with the children. You can even be naughty with them, at least I am. I do get into trouble with my daughters from time to time for giving them bad habits. But I can do that knowing they are safely under the control of their parents."
After decades of parish ministry, which encroached on home and family life, "even on Christmas Day", in retirement his "number one hobby is family". "They sometimes call me 'rent a crowd' in the family because I love getting everybody together. I have the time and, happily, the energy," he says.
The importance of the role of grandparent, which he has experienced both as a child growing up in Inchicore, and professionally, can often be overlooked, he says.
"I have such lovely memories of my grandfather whom I cycled to see every Saturday morning in Walkinstown when I was a young boy, because I loved his interest in gardening which is my hobby to this day. He was very stern, but I was not put off by the strictness of the man.
"I have seen in my parochial ministry the importance of the relationship. You see it at funerals, the real grief of even teenage girls or boys who have lost a grandparent and that is such an eloquent tribute. Maybe parents sometimes don't realise the importance of the older people, and grandparents themselves don't recognise how important they are to the young people growing up."
In the days of extended family under one roof, "Granny and grandad were an ever-present reality in the upbringing of the children," he points out. "Now the best you can hope for is a visit.
"The other thing I noticed professionally is that, in the age of broken marriages, there are grandparents who lose touch with their grandchildren," he adds. "I think that is so sad. Often the unrecognised losers are the grandparents who love their grandchildren and may never see them again. So those of us who have the access to our grandchildren should treasure it."
Next Sunday (September 28th)is National Grandparents' Day