ASK THE EXPERT:A one-year-old's tears and screams are their way of letting you know that all is not right in their world, writes DAVID COLEMAN
Q I am looking for advice on how (or whether or not) to discipline a one year old when they are acting out. I have a 12-month-old daughter who is generally a very good baby. She sleeps well, eats well and is generally a very happy child.
However, recently she has developed a way of letting us know when something goes against her that is quite aggressive – she literally screams and growls and often goes into a tearful fit.
This can happen when she doesn’t want her nappy changed, when she is trying to get at something potentially dangerous like plugs, etc or simply when we stop walking the buggy.
She is our first child so is probably very used to being the centre of everyone’s world and although I would like to think we don’t ‘spoil’ her, we probably do.
I know that this is an entirely normal way of expressing anger or annoyance when babies don’t have verbal skills.
However, we obviously don’t want this to become a habit. At the moment we are saying ‘ah ah’ and ‘no, that is not nice’ and distracting her with other things.
However, she seems to be getting quite distressed by this. We always speak in a low but strong tone when correcting her but I am wondering with such an emotional reaction should I just ignore the behaviour and hope it goes away?
AI think the key to understanding your daughter's reactions are to think about what you have said in your opening line. You describe your daughter "acting out". In fact, your daughter is simply expressing her frustration with the fact that the world is not marching entirely to her tune.
Most one year olds are more or less forceful in trying to get their wants met. Some children passively accept things that happen in their lives. They are content and relaxed to go with whatever flow their parents dictate.
Other children want to let their parents and the wider world know that they want things to go their way, not the way of the world.
Infants don’t have conscious intent to behave in a particular way. Your daughter has an unconscious desire to stay warm and comfy in her buggy, or to remain in her nappy, or to play with interesting items like plugs. When you disrupt these desires (as you must on occasion), she just lets you know that she isn’t happy.
As a consequence I think you are taking the right approach by ignoring her protests and/or distracting her onto something new. You can also add to this approach by using empathy to let her know that you can understand that she feels put out.
Even though she may not fully understand the words, you can still empathise using a caring and warm tone to your voice as you say “I know you don’t want to be disturbed to have your nappy changed but it’ll only take a minute and then you’ll be warm and dry again.”
You’ll be amazed at how much more relaxed you will remain if you use this kind of soothing voice with her. It may be that she stays upset but you will hopefully find that her distress lasts for shorter periods and is less extreme.
By staying calm and empathetic in this way, you will certainly avoid inflaming her distress by getting unnecessarily cross with her.
Don’t be perturbed by your daughter expressing herself in such an emotionally charged way. It is testament to you and your husband’s fortitude and caring that she feels safe enough to let loose in your company and to know that you won’t reject her.
Your daughter is like all one year olds who happily believe that they are the centre of the world and that is exactly as things should be. As she gets older there is time to disabuse her of the notion that she is the one in charge, but for now she can stay at the centre.
Don’t be worried either that you have an infant with premature “terrible twos”. The tantrums associated with toddlerhood are usually associated with a more conscious desire on a child’s part to express their growing independence and to underline their recognition that you and they are separate beings.
There is also the hope that as your daughter gets more verbal that she can tell you she is upset rather than showing you in her behaviour; but this may be some way down the line! In the interim, don’t be too concerned about habits forming; there will be many opportunities to help her express herself more effectively in the future.
Do remember that one year olds don’t need discipline in the sense of punishment for wrong-doing but they do need discipline in the sense of a patient, firm, consistent but warm response that lets her know you recognise that she is in distress but that the world must keep turning and that you know she will feel calmer later.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.
Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com