THERE IS AMPLE evidence to show that primary school children are "French kissing" before they have even beached puberty. Clearly no 11 or 12 year old child is emotionally ready to deal with the sexual feelings aroused by "shifting", "meeting" or "getting off" the slang terms widely used for "a Frenchie".

Ideally young people who are discovering the physical, emotional and relational aspects of their awakening sexuality would talk to their parents. Few do. Most prefer to talk to their peers as one child said, "because they won't tell you not to do it.

Hormonal activity that begins at puberty makes young people naturally curious about sex. It is understandable that children become anxious about their changing body shape, the feelings aroused by, the opposite sex and also the emotions that come from being more independent and separate from their parents.

A major worry at puberty is "am I normal?" Few have the courage to acknowledge to their peers that they need reassurance or are looking for information.

Girls are more open than boys in admitting that they are checking out if what is happening to them is typical. Many children pretend to be more knowledgeable about the facts of life than they really are in order to give themselves status. They then live in dread of a more experienced friend exposing their ignorance.

It seldom occurs to those who feel inferior because they think they are the only ones who don't know about sex that their "learned" friends may be equally ignorant and just as inexperienced.

FEW ADULTS understand the powerful peer influences that put pressure on such young girls and boys to engage in intimate behaviour like French kissing before they are ready to enjoy the experience.

Many 12 year old girls find it preferable to feel uncomfortable and kiss a boy than run the risk of turning him down and facing the embarrassing question, "are you frigid or something?"

I met a boy in a primary school last year who had a problem that was very serious for him. On his way home from school the previous day a girl asked him would he "go with" her. He said "yes" because he didn't know what else to say.

He felt trapped. He didn't really want to go with her but he was afraid not to. His friends knew she had asked him out and he was worried that if he didn't go they would jeer him and say he was "gay".

Clearly children need guidance on how to deal with these kinds of peer pressures. Telling them to just say no if a boy or girl asks you to do something you are not comfortable doing" is not helpful. Adults need to understand the pressure young people are under and the reasons why some find it too difficult to decline unwanted advances. Lots of adolescents do not have the skills to say "no" in a way that is heard.

Males are not always the sexual aggressors. Girls who mature early often come on to boys their own age who have not yet reached puberty.

When a girl makes the first move, a boy faces a difficult dilemma particularly if she has made her interest known to their friends. A chap who resists romantic advances from a willing female companion is seen as less macho than one takes advantage of the situation.

Young people with poor self esteem tend to have less self confidence and find it more difficult to stand up for what they want in a relationship. A girl who is afraid to lose her boyfriend may agree to sexual intimacy because she is afraid he won't want her if she refuses him.

SOME YOUNG PEOPLE seem to be able to handle peer pressure without any strain. Others feel quite stressed if they cannot conform to the peer image. The earlier girls and boys become romantically involved the greater is the likelihood of a bad experience. An unpleasant experience can have long term effects.

A small number of parents believe you cannot stop young people from having sex. They feel the best you can do is advise them to act responsibly. Parents who give warnings such as "I don't want to see you coming in here pregnant" or "you shouldn't have sex, but if you do use protection" are probably unaware that their expectations put added sexual pressure on adolescents.

Peer pressure is subtle and insidious because it controls behaviour through indirect and often unspoken expectations. Forbidding children to "French kiss" is unlikely to put a stop to the practice. Helping them understand how they allow their behaviour to be controlled by peer pressure is a far more effective learning experience.

Girls and boys may make different choices when they understand that any person who kisses another because he or she is frightened of being seen as different is not acting out of love, but is controlled by peer pressure.