"Why didn't you come in and get me at break time when I sang you a song telling you I was sad mammy?"

So one mother was greeted recently when she went to collect her daughter from school. Not the best start to school life the sight of a sad little four year old wandering friendless around the yard during break time adds a pitiful new dimension to loneliness.

But young children usually settle fairly quickly. In general four and five year olds mix and make friends easily, although parents sometimes worry when their child doesn't seem to have a special friend to play with.

However, according to Noirin Hayes, head of the School of Social Sciences at the DIT, "younger children usually have a lot of transient friendships, relationships tend to be quite flippant and based on practicalities such as, he's my friend because he has a toy I like, or because I sit beside him Occasionally young children will make a best friend, but at this stage children are only developing characteristics of deeper friendships like loyalty and trust."

Aine Lawlor is principal at Bawnoge National School in Clondalkin where children don't normally play in pairs at this stage. "The school is not going out of its way to encourage individual friendships. We tend to emphasise group games in the yard and group work in the classroom. On average you would get two or three children in a class who don't mix in the yard, but they may just be lonely for home rather than having no pals. If that is the case it is a good idea for parents to be around the school a bit to make their presence felt."

According to Noirin Hayes, a child may also be alone in the yard, "because they are being neglected by the group. This is probably because they are shy or have no experience of being with other children and have simply not made themselves known to their peers. They may, on the other hand be rejected by the group because they are too bossy or get upset to easily, and so need to develop their sharing and co operation skills. It is, however, also possible that a child prefers to be alone, daydreaming or reading, and in a situation like this it is important not to force the child to integrate."

Where a child is having difficulty making friends parents should be subtle, says Lawlor. "Ask questions around the subject. Rather than directly asking do you have a friend, ask your child what games they played and who was in the game that sort of thing. At times parents are a bit anxious about their children making friends. We want our children to be able to socialise but it is a natural process and you can't hurry it.

It is always a good idea to go and talk to the teacher if you are worried. He or she can help by encouraging the child to come and play with the group or sitting them beside another child. Parents can also try inviting children back home to play after school."

Even where a child has a serious difficulty with social skills he or she can learn to make friends. "If you identify the skill that is weak you can create opportunities to develop that skill, such as learning through role playing," says Noirin Hayes. "You do need to look seriously at friendship forming because the social skills young children develop are the foundation of later adult abilities to form relationships," she adds.

Aine Lawlor feels it is essential to get at the root of the problem. "Underpinning it all is self esteem and how good a child feels about herself. If the child doesn't feel too good about herself, they will find it hard to socialise, so keep assuring her and remind her that she is special. It can also help if you tell them a story about how friends change, how groups change and maybe even about your own friends in school. Helping your child to feel secure is invaluable."