THERE IS SO much emphasis on child psychology these days that you would think teenagers would be fairly safe from adult insensitivity. Not so. Two incidents in our household this week could have had the most damaging effects on our teenagers.

There is one area in his life to which Darragh gives his "all", and that is football. He is regarded as a talented intercounty player and has had a place on his school team all the way up to sixth year. He never misses training - our washing machine is testimony to that - and goes to every junior match the school is playing.

A recent injury meant he lost his place on the team for a friendly match, but no one doubted he would be back for the semifinal and then the final. But that didn't happen. When the team went out to play the final, Darragh was a sub.

The day he came home and told us this news I felt quite vengeful against the teacher who manages and picks the team. For we have a history, this teacher and I.

A year or two ago I went to see him. Darragh had been dropped on that occasion from the team for no apparent reason, and he was bereft. Football was the one thing that made him enthusiastic and animated, and it was on this level I talked to the teacher - seeking his professional advice on how to keep Darragh interested in anything at all. It was an indepth talk and I valued the exchanges. In turn the teacher thanked me for coming, and I felt an understanding had been reached. I thought Darragh would be encouraged and supported.

But no. Throughout the following year, when this teacher had to decide between two players, he inevitably picked the guy whom he personally preferred and who was more academic, even to the detriment of the team.

I am under no illusions about Darragh. A stubborn, irritating teenager he is, but this man is a trained teacher and I had poured my heart out to him, so surely he should have at least taken Darragh aside and explained why he had not included him?

For years I had been dismissing stories about this teacher from Darragh and his older brother - typical teenage persecution complexes, I thought. I have always taken the line that the teacher is the professional who will do what is right for the child, but now I doubt this.

My husband has long regaled me with stories of the cruelty of the Christian Brothers. But quite honestly, I don't see much difference between what he went through and what Darragh went through. In its effects, at least, it was an equally comprehensive crushing of confidence.

The other incident had the same effect on another teenager.

Seven children play music together. They all go to the same class, they know the same tunes, and they are all friends. One adult asks five of them to play at a concert where they will receive payment. She asks them furtively, telling them to keep it a secret. Obviously the children are bursting with excitement and talk about it among themselves.

The two who are left out hear what is going on and feel isolated. The other five then become guilty at their good fortune. What should be a happy occasion becomes difficult and trying. When a parent hears about it and asks the adult if she could not have been a little more tactful, she looks blank and shrugs it off.

Dr Tony Humphreys should be compulsory reading for everyone over 30.