Tony Humphreys has advice on dealing with that perennial parenting problem - the supermarket tantrum
The difficult behaviour of children in supermarkets, restaurants and other public places has become so common that, in many cases, it is accepted as normal. People who are disturbed - other than the beleaguered parent or child-minder - find it difficult to voice their discomfort for fear of being seen as not liking children or getting into conflict with the child's already stressed-out guardian.
As adults we know, for example, that the supermarket is not a playground. The trouble is that children do not see the world through adults' eyes and, for them, the supermarket offers all sorts of play and pleasure possibilities. It is not that children want to make life difficult for adults but, nevertheless, that is how adults typically perceive a situation where a child makes a chariot out of the shopping trolley or throws a temper tantrum when he does not get his selected toy or sweets. What we have is a clash of needs - the child's needs to play and the adult's need to shop. Like many adults, children will attempt to get their needs met in all sorts of ways and who can blame them for that?
However, they also need to learn that the supermarket is not a place where this happens, and only parents and child-minders can help them to get to grips with that reality. It is not necessary to get cross or aggressive; indeed, in situations where there is conflict between a child's and an adult's needs, the best recourse is positive action; the fewer words the better.
Certainly, before entering the supermarket the parent can say "Mary, the shop is not a playground. You may walk up and down the aisles with me and help me put the groceries into the trolley". If Mary jumps up on the trolley or begins pulling things from the shelves, the parent needs immediately to lead her by the hand out of the shop and to the car. Staying positively cheerful she can say: "The supermarket is not a playground, so I want you to wait in the car for me until I finish shopping". It may well be that the child will raise a storm as the parent takes her from the store: an unfulfilled need is hard for all of us!
It is important that the parent sticks to her guns, not allowing other shoppers' stares to deter her from her mature action. This is not easy, particularly when a parent has the most common addiction of all - a concern about what other people think. Faced with a child who is screaming and rebellious or crying helplessly, such a parent can feel helpless about getting her need to be liked met. She may attempt verbally to pressurise her daughter into submission andmake threats that she will not carry out. Sadly, when words do not work she may resort to physical punishment, which does not teach the child anything, other than "I'm, a bad girl" or "Mummy doesn't love me".
When a child is too young to be left in the car on her own, it is best that the parent abandons her shopping as the task of educating the child in appropriate social behaviour needs to take priority. With such firm behaviour, she is showing Mary that supermarkets are for shopping and not for playing. She can follow through on this by going on the next shopping outing on her own, but on the subsequent one allowing the child the choice of coming with her if she thinks she can help her with the shopping.
It is vital that parents resist the temptation to employ verbal threats - "If you don't behave you will stay in the car" or "I'll take you straight home" or, equally disastrous, "If you're a good girl, I'll get you a special treat". It is best to operate in the present. Children's responsible behaviours need to spring from them coming to terms with reality and from respect and care for others and not from receiving goodies and treats or threats. Of course children deserve treats, but these should not be contingent on good behaviours.
Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist
